The Four Agreements: A Simple Guide to Inner Freedom

Speaker: For this week's podcast, I wanna share a book that I have come across recently, and I really am a bit surprised why I haven't read it before, because the content is so simple and yet so helpful, and I wanna share with you what that is. It's called The Four Agreements written by a, Mexican, with the name of Don Miguel Ruiz.

The core idea of this book is that when we grow up, during our childhood and also going forward as adults, we unconsciously make agreements with ourselves, with parents, with teachers, and even with society overall. So, for example,: success means being perfect. That's an agreement. Or as a German person, you always have to be on time. That's an agreement, a social agreement. And there are so many agreements and sometimes we call them beliefs. Some of them are helpful, some of them are not helpful. And Don Miguel Ruiz called him agreements, and I think this is a pretty interesting way of looking at it. So I made this agreement and I commit to it, and I do whatever I can to live towards it.

And sometimes if they're not helpful, it doesn't make a lot of sense. So what those unhelpful beliefs or these unhelpful contracts do, they shape our behavior, they shape our actions, and they shape the way we think and they: really limit ourselves. So, this author thinks that the path to personal freedom really is to question these contracts and to replace them with contracts that are much more helpful, meaningful, and yeah, help us to create a better life for ourselves and also the people around us. As I said before, this book is not new. It's been published in 1997 and, has been translated, of course, in many, many languages.

And let's see, what are those four agreements that Don Miguel Ruiz is talking about? The four agreements are Be Impeccable With Your Word. So always be aware of what you're saying and make sure that you only say: the things that are impeccable, that do not harm anyone, including yourself. So this means that we can be really present and only talk, only speak from a place of presence and integrity. The second agreement is Don't Take Anything Personally, and this is something that I'm, I've been hearing quite a lot from my coachees that come to me and say, well, Christine, I tend to take things personally. And yeah, we came to the conclusion that this is not particularly helpful. So how can we change perspectives? How can we set boundaries to not take things personally? The third agreement is Don't Make Assumptions, and

I am absolutely guilty of that as well because I have noticed how many assumptions I'm actually making.: Sometimes, it just is a bit of a hindrance because people don't understand me because I make so many assumptions of what they already know, of what they're already aware of. And sometimes I interpret things in a different way because I made assumptions. So how can we build up our curiosity and the empathy to really understand the other person? And then the fourth agreement is Always Do Your Best. And of course we can link that to the fourth pillar in, Neuro Positive, which is progress. So how can I make progress?

How can I be proactive? How can I look into what is best for me and others and also have this self-compassion to make sure that I am as kind with myself as I am with others. Now, let's see what: exactly is included in those four agreements, and let's reflect together on those four things. Now, Be Impeccable With Your Word. That means speak with integrity. To everyone, to yourself, and also others. How often does it happen that you say something to someone else and then once you have expressed it, you already regret it. And words can be really harmful and really hurtful. And once spoken, we cannot really take them back.

It takes a long time to ex to explain, to say, I'm sorry, to apologize. But once they're spoken, the hurt has already happened. So the question is how can I make sure that I only say things that I would love: others to hear from me. And that I would love others to hear from me from a place of inner peace and inner calm. And that's why it's so important to understand and to know how to put yourself in a situation, in a position, in a state of inner peace and calm. And then the other thing is also self-talk because, I know so many people who are really impeccable with their to others, but when they start talking to themselves, they're not good enough,

oh, they're stupid, they're lazy, they're too late. So this applies as, as well as for others, as for yourself. So also when you talk to yourself, make sure that you use the language often. It's said that you lose the language that you would use also with your best friend. So one: invitation here to reflect upon is What is the one thing you keep telling yourself that you would not say to a friend? Now let's look into the second agreement. The second contract is, Don't Take Anything Personally. And it's easier said than done. But the other thing is, if I take everything personally, this means that I think I'm pretty important. Because everything that others do and everything that others say has something to do with me.

And often this is not the case, because what someone else says and what someone else does, is just the protection of their own reality of what they think and how they feel: at the moment they interact with us. Now here. The second pillar of Perspective of the Neuro Positive framework links in pretty nicely because when I can take different perspectives, then I can understand where the other person comes from and that what they say does not have anything to do with me, but with themselves.

And so I can understand that I can have an emotional boundary and I can stay calm inside and peaceful inside while listening to the other, trying to understand and doing my very best to understand where they're coming from. So think about things that you have heard recently that triggered you, that made you become angry or sad or anxious,: and think about it from that perspective of, well, what does that tell me about this other person? And then reflect on What changes when I remember that not everything is about me? Now let's look into the third agreement. And the third agreement is Don't Make Assumptions. And again, to me this is a hard one. Well, the other two are hard as well. So if, if you follow those four, that's really wonderful because it helps so much. So Don't Make Assumptions. This is like a call to action, to ask questions instead of filling in the blanks.

So instead of assuming, ask the question, instead of trying to figure out what another person thinks, ask a question. And I: think we all noticed that when we believe we know what others think, we often are not right. Well, in the majority of cases we're probably not right, because we're not in this other person's head and in their mind. And so yeah, let's make sure that we are curious instead of assuming and that we show empathy and real interest in the other person, instead of thinking that we know it all. And sometimes we think we know it better. So think back about some misunderstandings maybe at work or maybe in your private life, in your relationships that came up because you made an assumption that at the end of the day turned out not to be true.

So how about you think about where could I replace assumptions with curiosity this week?: This brings us to the fourth agreement, which is Always Do Your Best. So, my best yesterday is probably not my best of today. It changes day by day, so make sure that you strive to always do your best in the current situation. And it's not to be perfect, it's just make the effort to do the best thing that you can do today. And then also show compassion, because today you probably know more then you did yesterday.

And so if for example, you made a decision yesterday and today you have more insight, you would probably take another decision. But yeah, at the time you took the decision, it was the best you could do, the best possible. So make sure that you are kind with: yourself and you allow the growth, because growth also means that you knew a bit less a few days ago. Make the effort, like the growth mindset, make the effort is the more important part rather than the result. If you strive for perfection, you're doomed for failure because no one is perfect. It's not possible, we're all just human beings. So make sure you manage your energy and you strive to do your best, but always knowing that you probably don't know everything, and there is always this opportunity to grow and to learn.

So the reflection question here is, What would my best look like today? Not in theory, but right now,: what would the best behavior, the best way of thinking, the best action be that I could take. Now, when you take all those four together, Be Impeccable With Your Word, Don't Take Anything Personally, Don't make Assumptions and Always Do Your Best. If you think about that, this is like a wonderful self-leadership compass. And it also creates a very safe environment for everyone around you because you rely on yourself, and you also can keep this inner peace, the calmness that then also radiates it's to others and enables them to really be open towards you.

So how: about you pick one of those agreements and focus on it for one week, and then share your experience. So which one feels most relevant for you right now? Which one do you wanna start with? I'm really curious to understand and I hope that we will see or hear each other again next week for the next episode of Lead Well! By for now.