Trust Yourself: Shifting Storylines and Embracing Your Inner Knowing

Christine: Welcome to the Lead Well! Podcast, and again, I have a wonderful guest with me, Jamie, Jamie Lerner. Hi Jamie. Hello. So, I'm so happy to have you here. You have this wonderful way of helping people see their lives differently, almost like turning a story inside out. As an integrating wellbeing therapist and co-author of the Ever Loving Essence of You, you've shown so many people that the answers they're looking for are already within them.

Today I'd love to dive into how we can change the storylines that keep us stuck, what allowing really looks like in everyday life. And how even the hardest moments can open up surprising new possibilities. And some of the questions I will ask you are really about my own story, because I think that's uh, so wonderful to then see and, and hear what you: will share with us. So you say we already know what's the best for ourselves. Why on earth do we not do what we know is best for us? Jamie: I think that we are not used to hearing, that we do know what is best for us. I think that we are often directed outside of ourself from a very early age and almost trained not to consult ourselves, first and foremost, or ever. So I think that when we give people permission to do just that, to quiet their mind and to begin to really tune into their inter knowing, inter being, I think that that is a wonderful um, invitation that they really haven't had before. Christine: So, as you said, I mean, a lot of people rely on,

yeah, what's, what they're told: by the outside world, by their parents, their friends, their families, now social media. And I think a lot of story of, of people also carry these stories of what success means and what it means to be successful and what it means to fail, and they never actually questioned that. So can you give us a, an example of a storyline, that you have seen change in very surprising ways when people finally stopped believing what they thought they had to do without listening to themselves.

Jamie I am very careful when I suggest to people that they can change their storyline. Instead, I suggest they shift it because what I have found is that people become so invested in their story that they feel if they change it, that they will be somehow, um, giving: up who they thought they were or who they are. So sometimes it's just changing the tone of a story that they've been telling endlessly and are not even aware of what the story is or how it feels. And sometimes it's just asking them to update it. Because oftentimes we drag things from early, early, early, and it doesn't even matter where or when or who gave us those ideas or thoughts about who we are. But to ask people once again, if they're gonna look back. If they could look back from their right here and now adult perspective, I think it really looks different to us. 'cause we're no longer small and as vulnerable as we thought we were, when we were young. And it really takes on a whole new tone. And then to ask, does our story have anything to do with who we are right now?

Those are some: big questions, and oftentimes it's not about the answers, but it's about giving people the opportunity and their permission to really look at things differently today. And instead of just believing what they thought had it happened and who they thought they were supposed to be. Christine: And that is based on what they thought. But isn't it also true that now because we're consuming so many stories out there in the media and, and uh, social media and even AI now was giving us like a, uh, the, the, the kind of story that we might wanna see. How do we protect our own story from, from being influenced by all of these shiny, bright new things out there?

Jamie I think we have to get to the core story, and it, what it ends up being is mostly how we feel about ourselves.: Because that is where our story um, comes from if we were told when we were very small, that we were difficult, that we were not good, that we were, shouldn't want what we want, just a lot of different things. I think that then, without even realizing it, we tend not to feel very good about ourselves or self-empowered. So what are some of those core beliefs that we dragged into this identity, that we have taken on. And then to question like, well, are those my beliefs about myself? Or did I just take this on because it was given to me by important people when I was young?

. So then you begin to really consult yourself, like, okay, I was told that I was really difficult, but I don't really feel that I was difficult. And am I difficult now in my adult? You know,: and most people would start to question those things in a safe environment that allowed them to maybe decide, no, that's not who I am right now. Or maybe who I've never been. Christine: And, and maybe also someone I don't no longer want to be. Jamie: Yes. Exactly. And a lot of those things occur when you attach whatever that story is to how you feel. 'cause most people have no idea how they feel when they're telling their story incessantly. They just have gotten a lot of attention. 'cause usually it's dramatic and it's overblown and exaggerated. And we are a victim mentality society that rewards the victim. And we do not reward self-empowerment. So...

Christine yes. Wow. Okay. And so you also talk a lot about: the ever-loving essence. How would you explain that idea, especially to people who, who are no longer able to feel themselves, who don't wanna talk about their emotions? Jamie: I don't really know if it's about emotions. It's about tuning into messages. And I think there is always our inner being, inner knowing, tapping us on the shoulder, giving us intuition and we're always busy. We're always kind of like brushing it off our shoulder, like not now I'm busy. I can't listen to this. And without realizing it, I think that, um, we do know and we are getting reinforced for knowing through intuition. And everyone has intuition. So I tell people at least acknowledge when you have it.

And then it's not about what you do with it. You could say I knew I shouldn't have done this, and I: chose to not listen. And I think all the power is not in the choice, but in the knowing. So you know, you're driving outta your driveway, you always go left this particular day, you turn right. You have no idea why. You just go with it. And as it turned out, if you had gone left. You would've been involved in a very big accident. So I've never heard anyone say, I should not have listened to myself, and I hear people all day long, I should have listened to myself. And that is intuition guiding us from the inside. That is a voice that when you quiet the mind and you become more comfortable with yourself, you hear louder. And it doesn't matter what you do with it, but just to know it's always there. For you, guiding you. Not for another.

Christine And maybe also this sense of I can trust that voice probably even more than any other voice that I'm hearing from: the outside. Jamie: Well, to begin to trust that voice, I think is very important. Because once you do, you don't really consult the outside. Hmm. That becomes your guiding light for yourself about yourself. Hmm. And that's the other thing that's difficult for people is to understand this has nothing to do with another. This is all for you about you. And you don't know anything about what another person should do, but you are your own greatest resource. You know, you always know it doesn't matter how or why, but you do know for yourself. Mm. Christine: And how does that change the relationships I'm having with other people around me? Jamie: Well, it's interesting because when you know for yourself, you're not consulting other people about what you should do, you know what you should do, and then you're never telling people what they should do.

You're encouraging them in a way because when they ask you a question, you say, well, what do you think? And then the: conversation becomes very different. It becomes about a sharing. If I want to interact with someone and I would like to share something with them, I'm offering it as a sharing, not as an opportunity for they, for them to tell me what I should or shouldn't do. Christine: Hmm. And how much influence does it have, like the level of openness or the level of insight the people around me have. So when I am like allowing and I'm sharing and people around me are still like controlling and resisting. What kind of, how, what can I do there to really build that relationship? Jamie: Well, it's interesting because when you are in the place with yourself that you feel so comfortable, like comfortable in your skin.

Then you allow others to be where they are and who they are. It's like this sense of, you know, for yourself, so you don't need to tell anyone what to do. You don't need to: necessarily engage anyone in them telling you what to do. And you're just quietly at peace with all of it. No resistance, you know, it just becomes very easy to be amongst other people because you have your own sense of knowing for you. Mm. And not for them. Christine: Yeah. And it's also, I think it's, it's, you become more independent from needing that relationship with others as well. And the relationship is more natural then because it's, it's not based on neediness. Jamie: No, it's not. It's based on desire. You want an interaction, so you seek it out. But an interaction is really engaging people in such a way that you can be where you are and they can be where they are.

Christine Yeah, it, it very much reminds me of, uh, something: I'm practicing. It's called the Trust Technique, and we work with people and their animals and I think we have a very similar philosophy behind that, so that we need to really feel peaceful insight to be able to connect to an animal. And then the, the connection is, is on a completely different level. We don't have expectations, we don't make assumptions. We're not making any, any interpretation of what they're might be doing. It's just a, a different level. Jamie: And it's interesting because there's a lot of receiving happening, but it's very organic. It's not receiving because we need it. It's receiving because there is openness in the allowing for the receiving to be exchanged in a way that's so unconditional. Which I think happens with our animals. And so that's such a beautiful way to get people to feel this.

Christine Yeah.: Yeah. And it helps because working with the animals, sometimes I, I feel that my clients, when I work with them, they have a hard time really getting peaceful with themselves. But once they do it for their animal, with their animal, it's uh, it, it becomes much easier for them. So. Wonderful. That's great. So you also, and that's a, a personal interest I have because you also talk about reframing nightmares into opportunities. And I actually have a recurring nightmare that has been with me for years. So, it doesn't happen every night, but it happens again and again that I am in a very dark environment with uh, very steep ladders that are broken.

So there is not every single step there, but I, I have to climb up there and it's always really difficult and really dangerous. And then, yeah, there are, there are abysses and, and water behind below me. So what is, um, what opportunity is happen hidden behind that?: Jamie: Does the dream end where you make it or you wake yourself up? Christine: Ah, that's a great question. I, I, I, I wake up Jamie: And do you wake up like panicked? Uh, Christine: It's not a panic. It's, and I'm always surprised because the environment feels like I should be panicked, but I'm not when I'm waking up. So when I woke up, it's like the feeling of, I made it, I made it barely, but somehow I can't even understand how I made it, but I made it at the end.

Jamie So I would say this whole nightmare is about trusting yourself and believing that you can trust yourself. And so every time you have that dream, you can say, this is such a wonderful opportunity for me to understand that I can truly trust myself. I, it doesn't matter how: difficult or how high that ladder is, or that it's a very, you know, big stretch between each bar of that letter. Of course I can make it. You know, and that is a reassurance that in some ways you're almost inviting that dream in, dream in, so that can reinforce that you can totally trust yourself and you totally got this Christine: Wow. That's a nice perspective. Thanks for sharing that. Thanks for giving that to me. Jamie: You know, I really feel that all things that happen to us, good and bad are opportunities for us to use in very positive and empowering ways. And even at the point where we are remembering that we... horrible things happened to us when we were children or whatever.

We have learned things that become our superpowers. And in the end, if we can thank those people for those experiences, I mean, that's like the gift. The gift to ourselves to give the other person the: forgiveness. But we are all so powerful because of what has occurred in our life. And we should really seize that superpower, um, mentality and story when we are presenting to the world instead of being the victim. I don't believe there are victims. Christine: And, and help me understand something else because many of my listeners, they're really very overwhelmed with um, all the things coming their way and they're never ending to-do lists. And so if we talk about everyday opportunities that they are everywhere. So how do I notice them and how do I kind of grab them without adding one more thing to my to-do list.

Jamie I think we create the to-do list so that we're so busy that we avoid the conversation between us and ourselves. This is how we are unconsciously choosing: to sidestep the most important relationship, the one that we have with ourselves. Christine: And how do I have that conversation? What do you suggest there? Jamie: Five minutes every morning sitting with yourself very quietly and receiving yourself. And really beginning to understand your mind chatter, which when you do, you'll probably be mortified because nobody speaks to you as badly as you speak to yourself. And the things that you say to yourself are ridiculous and cruel. And so you need to laugh about them and say like where is this even coming from? And is it even true? No. Speaker: Hmm.

Jamie So I think we do create a lot of distraction for ourselves to avoid receiving ourselves, and yet when we do receive ourselves, it's like coming home. It's a beautiful, beautiful, very loving guidance to our: highest in vessel. Speaker: Hmm. Jamie: So all of that other stuff is noise created in some ways, like what we're hearing politically. If we can be bombarded with so many things, we lose ourself. And that is the controlling message. And you Speaker: bringing up, sorry. Jamie: It's never been clearer and louder and more obvious than it is today. Christine: Hmm. And you're bringing up this aspect of political and global. So if you could shift the storyline, I think that's the verb you used, any global storyline today, something we're all collectively telling ourselves, which one would you shift first and how?

Jamie I think the most important message is community. And connection with ourselves and one another. And to be reminded that really there is nothing more important than that.: At the end of the day, that's really what everybody is going to look for and towards, is relationship itself and connection with one another. Real connection, not AI connection, not electronic connection, but human connection. Christine: Mm. And I might probably add also the connection to nature that I see. Jamie: Yes, absolutely. And the connection to nature. Wonderful. But it's, and I guess it is, if you're in nature, it's very easy to feel the connection to yourself. Speaker: Mm. Jamie: And yet, I see a lot of people hiking and, and being outdoors and, and they're, you know, they're all hooked up listening to music, listening to... and I guess that's great 'cause at least they're out there and they're moving their bodies and they're exercising.

But there's something very wonderful about the quiet, being in the quiet of nature. It reminds us so many things. So...: Christine: Yeah, and I think this being out with uh, headphones and whatever on that it, it talks also to your point of distracting ourselves. So that's, again, I don't wanna feel myself, I don't wanna be with myself. So I have another device with me that distracts me from, but... Jamie: it's not, it's not whether you connect or disconnect, it's the consciousness of it. So if you are choosing to disconnect from yourself, at least acknowledge it. And there's a lot of power in that. You're not a victim, you're making a choice to not be connected to yourself, and I really applaud that. It's how can we take personal responsibility and you know, harness our own power, self-empowerment. Christine: Wow. So what is your personal story? How did you come to this, um, knowledge, to this insight?

Jamie Um,: I was born with a knowing like we all are, and um, I really stayed true to my inner being, inner knowing. So my story is my superpower because, um. there were five of us. And my parents were, um, very busy and I did not have a connection to my mother and an emotional connection, and I was so clear. Every moment about who I was and where I was. But I was not able to look to her for the kind of direction that children look for in terms of her voice, her... so I knew that my lifeline was staying connected to myself every single moment of my life. Christine: Wow.

Jamie And so I think that, um. that has really been, you know, amazing for me. And then my mom was very sick later in her life and she was, um, intubated and she was in a coma and I sat with her for a few days. And I felt all the love from her pouring out: from her to me, and I thought, oh my goodness, this is the beginning of our mother and daughter relationship. And then she transitioned. And what I realized is that my mom, she could not connect with me because she was not connected to herself. So it was after her transition and tribute to her and thanking her for choosing me to be her child, because I think that, you know, we choose our parents from the heavens above. Um, That um, I wrote this book, you know, with my friend, the Ever Loving Essence of You, which is really a reminder how important it is to create and recreate a long-term connected relationship with yourself. Christine: Wonderful. Well, thank you so much. And my last question is, other than your book, how can people connect with you?

Jamie I have a website, it's http//www.jamie-lerner.com, and there's all kinds of free stuff on there. Podcasts and: just interesting things. And I also have a service called The Quickie, a lovely texting option, which I really like. So yeah, this podcast will be on there and yeah, but absolutely trust yourself, love yourself, and know yourself because you are your own greatest resource. Christine: Wow. Thank you so much. Jamie: Thank you for inviting me.