Ep 145 Aging Without Children: Finding Connection and Support

00:00:00: I've sometimes wondered who will be there for me when I'm old.

00:00:04: I don't have children, and although I don't worry about it all the

00:00:07: time, that question does come up.

00:00:11: During my latest hospital stay, I met a woman who helped me look at it

00:00:15: differently, and somewhere between bringing her water, helping her with her

00:00:19: phone, and listening to her stories, I also discovered something about myself.

00:00:26: Hi, and welcome to Lead Well!

00:00:32: Last week I skipped an episode because I ended up back in the hospital.

00:00:36: I developed inflammation after my surgery and had to stay another four days.

00:00:41: I'm home again now, but this time I'm feeling more exhausted and

00:00:45: recovery is taking a little longer.

00:00:48: So I've been giving myself some time, and that included letting

00:00:52: one podcast episode slip.

00:00:55: But there was something about this hospital stay that I

00:00:58: really wanted to share with you.

00:01:00: When I arrived in my room, there was a 90-year-old woman in the other

00:01:04: bed, and my first thought was, if I'm completely honest, "Oh, dear,

00:01:10: I wonder how that's going to work." I hadn't even spoken to her yet.

00:01:14: I just saw an elderly woman and immediately had an idea in my head

00:01:18: about what sharing a room might be like.

00:01:21: And then we started talking.

00:01:24: She needed help with a few things, and because I could get up and

00:01:27: move around more easily than she could, I was able to help.

00:01:31: I could bring her fresh water, help her charge her phone, or explain how

00:01:35: something worked on the television.

00:01:38: We chatted in between, and gradually I learned a little more about her.

00:01:42: Then after we'd spent some time together, she offered me the informal German "you".

00:01:48: If you don't speak German, we have a formal way of addressing each

00:01:51: other and a more familiar one, which we use with friends and family or

00:01:56: close colleagues, and she invited me to use that familiar one with her.

00:02:01: I thought that was so lovely.

00:02:03: We'd already been talking, and I'd helped her a few times, but that invitation made

00:02:08: me feel that we'd become a bit closer.

00:02:11: By then, I was very glad she was the person in the bed next to mine.

00:02:16: As we talked, she told me about her life.

00:02:19: She had experienced some very difficult losses, raised a large family,

00:02:24: and worked hard for many years.

00:02:27: She had taken responsibility for people and found ways to keep

00:02:30: going when life was difficult.

00:02:32: And there she was, still living in her own home at 90, still doing many

00:02:38: things for herself, and very much interested in the people around her.

00:02:43: I kept thinking how little I had known when I got into that room.

00:02:48: I'd seen an old woman in a hospital bed.

00:02:51: Over the next few days, I began to get to know someone who had lived

00:02:55: a whole life I knew nothing about, someone with stories, opinions,

00:03:00: relationships, and a lot of experience.

00:03:03: And she was lovely company.

00:03:06: I also enjoyed being able to do things for her.

00:03:09: They were small things, but when you're in a hospital bed, something as simple

00:03:13: as getting fresh water can be difficult.

00:03:16: It felt good to be there for her.

00:03:18: I was unwell myself, and there was plenty I couldn't do, but I could

00:03:22: help her with her phone or bring her something she needed, and I enjoyed that.

00:03:26: I hadn't expected that looking after someone else in these small

00:03:30: ways would become such a lovely part of my own hospital stay.

00:03:34: And then I noticed something that really surprised me.

00:03:38: I was patient.

00:03:41: I've always thought of myself as quite an impatient person.

00:03:45: I think quickly.

00:03:46: I like things to move forward, and if something takes longer than I think it

00:03:51: needs to, I can get really restless.

00:03:54: But with her, I didn't feel that way.

00:03:57: If she needed me to explain something again, I explained it again.

00:04:01: If she needed a little more time, that was okay.

00:04:04: And at some point, I thought, well, apparently I have more patience

00:04:09: than I give myself credit for.

00:04:11: I'm sure that doesn't mean I'll suddenly be patient in every situation

00:04:16: or with my husband, but it was nice to discover that my usual description of

00:04:20: myself doesn't tell the whole story.

00:04:23: There were also moments when she became frustrated.

00:04:26: Sometimes with other people, sometimes with herself when she

00:04:29: couldn't do something or couldn't remember how something worked.

00:04:33: And I could understand that.

00:04:34: She was used to doing so much for herself, and now she needed help.

00:04:38: That isn't always easy.

00:04:41: Sometimes we could talk it through, and I could say, "Well, you couldn't have

00:04:44: known that," or, "Perhaps the person who did that was trying to help even

00:04:49: if it didn't work out quite the way you wanted." I couldn't change everything that

00:04:54: bothered her, of course, but sometimes a little conversation seemed to help.

00:05:00: I also kept noticing how kind the nurses and other staff were.

00:05:05: They were busy, but they were taking care of us, explaining things, helping us.

00:05:09: And I would always make sure to be nice to them, to say a few

00:05:13: kind words, to say thank you.

00:05:15: And I would often say something to my neighbor afterward about

00:05:21: how friendly someone had been or how much effort they were making.

00:05:25: Toward the end of my stay, I heard her telling some of the younger staff how

00:05:29: happy she was that everyone was so kind.

00:05:32: That made me happy too.

00:05:35: And I wonder whether I contributed a little bit to the way she

00:05:38: was experiencing her stay.

00:05:41: I don't know whether I did, but I like the possibility that

00:05:45: sharing what I appreciated had helped her notice it as well.

00:05:50: It made me think about the conversations we have when we're sharing a

00:05:53: difficult situation with someone.

00:05:55: We can spend a lot of time talking about what's annoying us, and sometimes

00:05:59: there are good reasons for that.

00:06:01: But there may also be something kind or helpful happening right alongside it.

00:06:07: In our room, there was a lot of kindness.

00:06:09: I was glad we could talk about that, too.

00:06:12: The other thing that stayed with me was what I learned

00:06:15: about the people in her life.

00:06:17: She has children, but they don't live nearby.

00:06:20: Some of the people who support her in everyday life are people she has

00:06:24: come to know outside her family.

00:06:27: One of them is a younger man she has known since he was a child.

00:06:30: She was there for him when he was growing up, and now he and

00:06:34: his partner are there for her.

00:06:36: Through her work and her everyday life, she also has gotten to know

00:06:40: many people in her community.

00:06:43: There are people she can contact, people who help her, people who care about her.

00:06:49: Listening to that brought me back to my own worry about

00:06:51: getting older without children.

00:06:53: Somewhere in my mind, I had connected not having children with the possibility

00:06:58: of having no one to turn to later.

00:07:01: Of course, I know that people without children can have close

00:07:04: relationships and support,

00:07:05: but hearing about her life made that feel more real to me.

00:07:10: Having children doesn't tell us who will live nearby or what support

00:07:14: will be possible, and not having children doesn't mean we'll be alone.

00:07:18: I wouldn't make any judgment about her family.

00:07:20: I don't know their circumstances, and people can care deeply about

00:07:24: each other while living far apart.

00:07:26: What mattered to me was realizing how many different forms connections

00:07:31: can take, and how some of the people who become important in our lives

00:07:35: might be people we never expected.

00:07:38: That also connects with the resilience course my colleague

00:07:41: Tobias and I are currently offering.

00:07:43: One of our modules is about relationships and the role they play

00:07:47: in how we deal with difficult times.

00:07:49: And during those four days, I found myself thinking about that

00:07:53: topic in a very personal way.

00:07:56: When I think about resilience, I often think about the

00:07:58: things I can practice myself.

00:08:01: How I respond to stress, whether I notice when I need a break, how

00:08:05: I deal with my thoughts, whether I allow myself time to recover.

00:08:09: But there are also the people around me, someone I can talk to, send a

00:08:13: message to, someone I can ask for help, someone whose company makes

00:08:17: a difficult day a little easier.

00:08:20: And in that hospital room, I also experienced how good it can

00:08:24: feel to have something to give.

00:08:26: I was receiving care myself, and I could still do something

00:08:30: useful for another person.

00:08:32: That's something I'll carry into the course.

00:08:35: If you'd like to find out more about it, I'll put the

00:08:37: information in the show notes.

00:08:39: Of course, we can't know who will be there for us in the future.

00:08:44: Helping people now doesn't guarantee someone will help us later.

00:08:47: But we can make room for relationships.

00:08:50: We can stay in touch, get to know people, offer help where we can,

00:08:54: and let other people help us too.

00:08:57: And there's a lovely little continuation to this story.

00:09:00: Before I left, we exchanged phone numbers.

00:09:03: Since then, we've already been sending each other some

00:09:06: really sweet WhatsApp messages.

00:09:08: This makes me smile.

00:09:10: I got into that room wondering how we could get along, and

00:09:14: now I'm back home feeling happy when I see a message from her.

00:09:18: I can ask how she's doing, she can ask how I am, and we can stay part

00:09:22: of each other's day even though we're no longer sharing a room.

00:09:26: I don't know what will come of it, but I'm very glad we exchanged those numbers.

00:09:33: I'm home now, still recovering, and I haven't suddenly stopped

00:09:36: wondering about the future.

00:09:38: But this encounter has given me something different to think

00:09:42: about when that question comes up.

00:09:45: There may be people who will become important to me

00:09:47: whom I haven't even met yet.

00:09:49: And there are already people in my life whose friendship

00:09:52: I can keep making time for.

00:09:55: It also reminded me to be a little less certain about my first impressions,

00:09:59: including the ones I have about myself.

00:10:02: I thought sharing that room might be difficult.

00:10:05: I thought I wasn't particularly patient, and over a few days, I

00:10:10: had reason to reconsider both.

00:10:12: Perhaps there's someone you've been meaning to get back in touch with or

00:10:16: someone you see regularly whom you'd like to get to know a little better.

00:10:21: That's certainly something I'm thinking about as I settle back in at home.

00:10:26: I didn't want another hospital stay, but I'm very glad I met this woman.

00:10:32: Thank you for listening, and have a wonderful week.

00:10:37: This was Lead Well!

00:10:39: Now what is the one thing that you're taking away from this episode?

00:10:43: Please share in the comments below and do share the podcast with your friends

00:10:46: and family, but only if you like it.