Ep 144 How to Stay Calm When You Can't Control What Happens

00:00:00: Last Monday, I think I won my personal gold medal in presence, and not during

00:00:05: a meditation retreat or while sitting peacefully somewhere in nature.

00:00:09: No, I won it in a hospital, waiting for surgery.

00:00:14: I had to wait for about six and a half hours that day, including one and a half

00:00:18: hours right outside the operating room, already connected to all the monitors.

00:00:23: And the amazing thing was that I wasn't nervous.

00:00:26: I wasn't getting impatient.

00:00:27: I wasn't frustrated.

00:00:29: I was actually quite calm, and I don't mean that I was trying to suppress my fear

00:00:34: or push it away, it simply wasn't there.

00:00:37: Well, except for one rather funny moment, which I'll tell you about in a minute.

00:00:42: Now, this was particularly surprising to me because I used to be somebody

00:00:47: who was terribly afraid of illnesses.

00:00:49: Even just hearing somebody talk about cancer could make me panic.

00:00:54: So how did I manage to stay so calm while waiting for surgery?

00:01:01: Hi, and welcome to Lead Well!

00:01:07: And there is something else that surprised me during my hospital stay,

00:01:11: something that has to do with the people I met, the way they treated me, and

00:01:16: perhaps also the way I treated them.

00:01:19: So today I'd like to share that experience with you and what I learned from it.

00:01:23: I was scheduled for surgery at a large university hospital in Munich.

00:01:27: I had a cyst that needed to be removed because there was some suspicion

00:01:31: that it might not be harmless.

00:01:33: Now, I should probably explain something here.

00:01:35: I wasn't going into the hospital convinced that I had cancer.

00:01:39: Quite the opposite, actually.

00:01:41: I had read the medical report, and my cousin, who has a lot of

00:01:45: knowledge of these things, had also told me that this particular type

00:01:48: of cyst was usually not dangerous.

00:01:50: So deep down I was pretty convinced that everything would be okay.

00:01:55: I would actually have been very surprised if the doctors had told me otherwise.

00:01:59: Of course, that wasn't a guarantee, but I think it's important to mention because it

00:02:04: probably contributed to my being so calm.

00:02:08: Anyway, on the way to the hospital, I remember looking at the trees.

00:02:13: It was a beautiful autumn morning, and the colors were amazing.

00:02:18: All those shades of yellow and orange and red, and I found

00:02:23: myself really appreciating them.

00:02:26: I was looking at individual trees, noticing their colors,

00:02:29: just enjoying what I could see.

00:02:32: And somehow I had already decided that I was going to

00:02:35: trust the people at the hospital.

00:02:38: I thought, "Well, these are the experts. They know what they're doing.

00:02:43: They've done this many times before, and I have to trust that they will

00:02:48: do their best to take care of me."

00:02:50: Because really, what else could I do?

00:02:52: I couldn't control what would happen during the surgery.

00:02:55: I couldn't supervise the doctors.

00:02:57: I couldn't make sure that everything went according to plan.

00:03:00: I, I had decided to have the operation, and now I needed to

00:03:04: let other people do their jobs.

00:03:06: And the word that came to mind was surrender.

00:03:10: Not surrender in the sense of giving up, but surrendering

00:03:13: the need to control everything.

00:03:16: And I think that made a difference.

00:03:20: Well, things didn't go quite according to plan.

00:03:24: I arrived at the hospital and then I waited, and waited, and waited some more.

00:03:30: First about an hour, then another hour, and then more waiting.

00:03:34: And here's the funny thing, at some point they told me that I

00:03:37: should get ready for surgery.

00:03:41: They had explained that I would normally get about 15 minutes notice so I could

00:03:45: change into the hospital gown and prepare.

00:03:48: But when they came to get me, the changing room wasn't available,

00:03:52: and suddenly instead of 15 minutes, I only had a few minutes left,

00:03:57: and that's when I got stressed

00:04:00: Isn't that interesting?

00:04:01: I wasn't stressed about the surgery.

00:04:03: I wasn't particularly worried about anesthesia.

00:04:06: I wasn't even upset about waiting for hours, but give me a task and tell me

00:04:10: I only have a few minutes to complete it, and suddenly I'm under pressure.

00:04:15: Fortunately, the staff helped me and everything was fine, but I've

00:04:19: been thinking about that moment because it tells me something

00:04:24: about how stress works for me

00:04:27: As long as I knew there was nothing I could do, I was perfectly calm.

00:04:30: But the moment I thought I was responsible for getting something done

00:04:34: within a deadline, I became stressed.

00:04:37: And I wonder how often we experience exactly that in our everyday lives.

00:04:42: Anyways, eventually I was taken into that area outside the operating room.

00:04:46: And apparently patients normally spend about 10 to 15 minutes

00:04:51: there before being taken in.

00:04:53: I spent an hour and a half.

00:04:57: By then, I was already connected to the monitor, so I could

00:05:00: actually see my heart rate.

00:05:02: And I thought, "Well, this is interesting," because over the past month

00:05:08: I've been working quite intensively with what I call micro-resilience breaks.

00:05:14: These are small exercises that help us regulate ourselves, often

00:05:18: in just a few seconds or minutes.

00:05:20: And I've been practicing them regularly, not just when I'm stressed, but

00:05:24: also in perfect normal situations.

00:05:27: One of the techniques I use is the physiological sight, which I learned

00:05:31: about through Andrew Huberman's work.

00:05:34: It's very simple.

00:05:36: You take an inhale through your nose, followed by a second smaller inhale

00:05:41: through your nose, and then you exhale slowly and fully through your mouth.

00:05:47: And while I was lying there waiting for surgery, I used that technique.

00:05:52: Every now and then I would take one or a few of those breaths, and actually

00:05:57: I watched the monitor, and every time my heart rate went up above 70, I

00:06:03: used that technique to bring it down.

00:06:05: Now of course, a low heart rate doesn't automatically mean that somebody

00:06:09: is calm, and I can't scientifically prove how much of that was due to my

00:06:14: breathing, but I felt calm and I could see that my heart rate remained low

00:06:21: and I could even reduce it at will, and that was quite remarkable to me.

00:06:29: I thought, "Wow, all this practice really seems to be paying off." Because

00:06:34: I wasn't forcing myself to relax.

00:06:36: I wasn't constantly reminding myself that I shouldn't be afraid.

00:06:41: I simply knew what to do and I did it.

00:06:44: And I think that's such an important point.

00:06:47: We often start looking for ways to calm ourselves down

00:06:51: when we're already overwhelmed.

00:06:54: But when we're really stressed, it's difficult to learn something new.

00:06:58: That's why I believe so much in practicing these little exercises when we don't

00:07:02: particularly need them, so that when we do need them, they're already familiar.

00:07:09: And there is another thing I did while waiting.

00:07:12: There was a nurse standing beside me because somebody had to stay

00:07:15: with me while I was connected to the monitors, and we started talking.

00:07:19: I asked her about her job, what she liked about it, what her work was like,

00:07:24: and we had a really nice conversation

00:07:28: Now, I wasn't consciously thinking I need to distract myself from the surgery,

00:07:31: so I'd better talk to this nurse.

00:07:34: I was simply interested.

00:07:35: But looking back, I think that conversation helped me as well.

00:07:40: Because when you're genuinely curious about another person, you're

00:07:43: paying attention to that person.

00:07:46: You're listening, asking questions, thinking about what they're telling you.

00:07:51: And you're not spending all your time imagining what might happen in the future.

00:07:56: You're right there in that moment.

00:07:59: And I think that's another aspect of presence that we sometimes forget.

00:08:03: It doesn't always mean sitting quietly, focusing on your

00:08:07: breath or closing your eyes.

00:08:09: Sometimes it simply means being genuinely interested in the person,

00:08:14: or animal by the way, in front of you.

00:08:18: After about an hour and a half, the nurse's shift ended and another

00:08:21: nurse took over, and by then things were getting rather complicated.

00:08:26: Apparently, there wasn't an anesthesiologist available,

00:08:30: and it was getting so late that it looked as though my surgery

00:08:33: might not happen that day at all.

00:08:37: And the second nurse was really not happy about that.

00:08:40: She had just taken over.

00:08:41: She didn't know me.

00:08:42: We hadn't had this long conversation that I'd had with her colleague.

00:08:46: But she saw that I had been waiting for hours, and she

00:08:50: decided that enough was enough.

00:08:53: She basically said that she wasn't going to send me back to the ward

00:08:56: without the surgery, and she started making sure that something happened.

00:09:01: And eventually they managed to get me into the operating room.

00:09:05: I was pretty impressed with that because here's somebody who was working in a

00:09:09: very busy hospital, probably dealing with all sorts of problems throughout her

00:09:13: shift, and she still took responsibility for a patient she had just only met.

00:09:20: She could have simply followed the schedule, accepting that the

00:09:23: operation wasn't going to happen and sent me back, but she didn't.

00:09:27: And that was just one example of what I experienced during my hospital stay.

00:09:33: After the surgery, I spent longer than expected in the recovery room

00:09:37: because it was already quite late.

00:09:40: And again, the staff made sure that somebody came to collect

00:09:43: me and take me back to the ward.

00:09:45: And when I arrived there, I was welcomed so warmly.

00:09:50: The nurses and caregivers were incredibly friendly and attentive.

00:09:55: Some of them were really funny and I enjoyed the humor

00:09:58: they brought into their work

00:09:59: There was always somebody coming into the room, checking something, asking whether

00:10:04: I needed anything, making sure I was okay.

00:10:07: And I also had a lovely woman sharing my room.

00:10:10: We got along really well and we had some very nice conversations.

00:10:14: So although the operation itself turned out to be a little more substantial

00:10:18: than I had expected, I actually enjoyed my stay at the hospital,

00:10:23: and I know that sounds strange.

00:10:26: Who enjoys being in a hospital?

00:10:29: But I really felt that people cared about me.

00:10:32: And that was something I really hadn't expected.

00:10:36: Because when we hear about hospitals, particularly large university hospitals,

00:10:40: we often hear mostly negative things.

00:10:43: We hear about staff shortages, overworked nurses, patients who

00:10:47: don't get enough attention, people who feel like they're just a number.

00:10:54: And I'm not saying that these problems don't exist.

00:10:58: Of course they do.

00:10:59: Even my own experience with all those delays and the difficulties in finding

00:11:04: an available anesthesiologist shows that things aren't always running smoothly.

00:11:09: But what really impressed me was how people working there dealt with it.

00:11:13: They were obviously working under difficult circumstances,

00:11:16: and still they were kind.

00:11:18: They had time for a smile, for a little joke, for friendly

00:11:21: conversation, and they went out of their way to make sure I was okay.

00:11:26: I think we sometimes forget that behind those big systems, whether

00:11:29: it's a hospital, a corporation, or any other large organization, there are

00:11:34: individual people, and those people can make an enormous difference.

00:11:39: You can have a system that isn't perfect and still have people within

00:11:44: that system who do extraordinary work.

00:11:46: And the nurse who made sure my surgery happened is a wonderful example of that.

00:11:51: She couldn't solve the staffing problem, she couldn't change the

00:11:54: entire organization, but she could do something for one patient, and she did.

00:12:01: For me, that's also a form of leadership, not leadership because you

00:12:06: have a particular title or position, but because you take responsibility

00:12:10: and use whatever influence you have to make something better.

00:12:14: There is another aspect of this that I've been reflecting on.

00:12:18: I wonder how much my own attitude

00:12:20: contributed

00:12:21: to the positive experience I had.

00:12:23: I was friendly, I was patient, I was interested in the people around me, and

00:12:28: I wasn't complaining about the delays or demanding that things happen faster.

00:12:32: Now, I want to be very clear here.

00:12:36: I'm not suggesting that patients who are frightened, impatient, or in pain are

00:12:40: somehow responsible if they don't receive good care, and I certainly can't know

00:12:44: whether the staff would have treated me differently if I'd behaved differently.

00:12:48: In fact, the second nurse who advocated for me hadn't even

00:12:51: a chance to get to know me.

00:12:53: So I think a lot of what I experienced simply came down to the people being

00:12:57: genuinely dedicated to their work.

00:12:59: But I do think our own state can influence how we experience

00:13:03: and interact with other people.

00:13:05: When we're stressed, when we're afraid, our attention often becomes very narrow.

00:13:10: We focus on what's wrong or what might go wrong and what needs to change, and

00:13:15: perhaps we don't even notice some of the positive things happening around us.

00:13:20: When we're calmer, we may have more capacity to recognize kindness, to

00:13:24: become curious, to connect with other people, and that changes something.

00:13:29: Maybe not the situation itself, but certainly how we experience it

00:13:34: Now, you might think that this is a lovely story about how I finally

00:13:38: learned to stay calm whatever happens.

00:13:41: Well, not quite, because something happened just last night that reminded

00:13:47: me that things aren't always that simple.

00:13:50: I woke up in the middle of the night with a sudden pain in my right wrist.

00:13:54: Now, I should explain that I had some unexplained puncture marks and

00:13:57: quite a bit of bruising on that wrist after surgery, and when I felt that

00:14:02: pain, my mind immediately jumped to the worst possible explanation.

00:14:07: I thought, "Oh my goodness, what if there's an inflammation

00:14:10: of the bone lining? What if something serious had happened?"

00:14:14: And I could feel myself starting to panic.

00:14:17: And suddenly I remembered how I used to react to things like that because when I

00:14:22: was a child, and even as a young adult, I was incredibly afraid of illnesses.

00:14:27: I remember that when somebody at school started talking about

00:14:30: cancer, I sometimes had to leave the classroom because I couldn't stand it.

00:14:34: I simply couldn't listen to it because it frightened me so much.

00:14:38: And even a few years ago, if I noticed something unusual in my body, I

00:14:42: would immediately imagine the worst.

00:14:45: I needed to see a doctor as quickly as possible because I

00:14:48: could not stand the uncertainty.

00:14:50: I needed somebody to tell me what was wrong so that I could then deal with it.

00:14:56: And now isn't that interesting?

00:14:58: Here I was, having just gone through surgery for a cyst that had

00:15:02: raised some concern about cancer, and I had been remarkably calm.

00:15:06: Of course, as I said earlier, I had reasons to believe that the cyst wasn't

00:15:11: dangerous, and I trusted the medical team, so perhaps that explains part of it.

00:15:17: But still, the difference between how I used to react and how I experienced

00:15:21: this hospital stay was remarkable.

00:15:24: And then just a few days later, one sudden pain in my wrist was enough

00:15:29: to bring back that old anxiety.

00:15:31: So what happened?

00:15:33: I don't really know.

00:15:35: Maybe being alone at night with an unexplained symptom is very

00:15:39: different from being in a hospital surrounded by professionals.

00:15:43: Maybe the uncertainty feels different when there is nobody immediately

00:15:46: available to tell you what's going on.

00:15:49: Or maybe some of those old reactions are simply there.

00:15:53: But here's what I found encouraging.

00:15:55: Even though the anxiety came back, I didn't stay in it.

00:16:00: I noticed what was happening

00:16:02: I recognized that my mind was jumping to the worst possible conclusion,

00:16:06: and I used the tools I've been practicing to calm myself down.

00:16:10: And it worked.

00:16:12: I didn't suddenly know what was causing the pain, and of course,

00:16:15: unexplained physical symptoms still need to be taken seriously and checked

00:16:19: when appropriate, but I managed to calm myself down relatively quickly

00:16:25: And that would have been much more difficult for me even a few years ago.

00:16:30: And perhaps that's actually the bigger achievement, not that I never experience

00:16:35: anxiety anymore, because obviously I do, but that I'm getting better

00:16:40: at recognizing what's happening and finding my way back to a calmer state.

00:16:46: And this brings me back to that word surrender, because I think we need

00:16:50: to be careful about what it means.

00:16:53: Surrender doesn't mean become passive.

00:16:56: It doesn't mean ignoring problems, not asking questions or pretending

00:17:00: that everything is fine, and it certainly doesn't mean that

00:17:04: we should never be afraid.

00:17:06: For me, it means recognizing what I can influence and what I can't.

00:17:12: When I was waiting for surgery, I couldn't change the schedule.

00:17:15: I couldn't produce an anesthesiologist.

00:17:17: There was simply nothing useful I could do about those things,

00:17:21: so I accepted the situation.

00:17:24: But I could influence how I spent that time.

00:17:27: I could use my breathing exercises.

00:17:29: I could talk to the nurse.

00:17:31: I could stay curious rather than imagining all the things that might happen.

00:17:36: And the nurse who advocated for me is actually the perfect

00:17:39: example of the other side of that.

00:17:41: She didn't just accept the situation.

00:17:44: She recognized that there was something she could influence, and she took action.

00:17:50: So it's not about accepting everything and doing nothing.

00:17:53: It's about knowing the difference

00:17:56: Where can I make a difference?

00:17:58: And where am I spending energy fighting something that simply

00:18:02: isn't within my control?

00:18:04: I think that's a question that's relevant far beyond hospitals.

00:18:09: Think about your everyday work.

00:18:11: A project is delayed, somebody makes a decision you don't agree with, a colleague

00:18:16: behaves in a way you didn't expect.

00:18:18: Sometimes you need to do something about it.

00:18:21: You need to have a conversation, make a decision, or take responsibility.

00:18:25: But sometimes, at least for the moment, there's nothing you can change.

00:18:30: And then the question becomes, do I keep fighting the fact that this

00:18:34: is happening, or can I accept the situation and decide what to do next?

00:18:39: And I think that ability is something we can practice.

00:18:43: There's one image from my hospital stay that has really stayed with me.

00:18:47: When I woke up after surgery, one of the first things I did was look

00:18:51: out of the window, and there were those beautiful autumn trees again.

00:18:56: And I remember being so happy that I could see them, that I was there, that

00:19:02: I could enjoy this beautiful view.

00:19:06: Maybe that sounds a bit sentimental, but that's really how I felt.

00:19:11: And I think that moment captures something important about presence.

00:19:15: For me, presence isn't about being permanently calm or relaxed.

00:19:21: It's not about never experiencing anxiety.

00:19:24: It's about being able to notice what's happening right now without

00:19:29: constantly being pulled away by thoughts about what might happen next.

00:19:33: And sometimes that means noticing a beautiful tree.

00:19:37: Sometimes it means taking a breath.

00:19:39: Sometimes it means being genuinely curious about another person.

00:19:44: And sometimes it means recognizing that you're frightened and helping

00:19:48: yourself return to a state where you can think a little more clearly.

00:19:53: So yes, I think my personal gold medal in presence was well-earned.

00:19:57: But last night's experience reminded me that it doesn't mean

00:20:00: I've reached some final destination where nothing can upset me anymore.

00:20:05: And that's okay, because perhaps the real progress isn't that the old

00:20:10: reactions have completely disappeared.

00:20:13: Perhaps it's that they don't have to determine what happens next.

00:20:18: I can notice them, I can work with them, and I can respond differently.

00:20:23: And that's what all those little micro-resilience breaks

00:20:27: have been helping me practice.

00:20:29: Not just for major situations like surgery, but for those smaller

00:20:33: moments in everyday life where things don't go as we expect them.

00:20:38: So here's a question I want to leave with you today.

00:20:40: Where in your life are you spending energy, trying to control something

00:20:46: that is not yours to control?

00:20:48: And the next time something makes you anxious or frustrated,

00:20:52: could you give yourself just a little moment before reacting?

00:20:56: Maybe take a breath, maybe become curious, and ask yourself, "What can I actually

00:21:02: do about this situation right now?"

00:21:05: And what might I need to let go of?

00:21:08: Thank you for listening, and take good care of yourself.

00:21:13: This was Lead Well!

00:21:14: Now what is the one thing that you're taking away from this episode?

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