Ep 142 Getting Older: When “Someday” Becomes “No Longer”

00:00:00: My One Day, my Someday In The Future will have become a No Longer.

00:00:08: Hi, and welcome to Lead Well!.

00:00:14: After my birthday, I think I told you I turned 60 this year, I often used

00:00:21: to say, " I'm now officially old." And the reaction of my friends was

00:00:26: really interesting because some of them really got almost offended and

00:00:32: they were like, "No, you're not old.

00:00:33: You're still young." And, yeah, I feel still young, but then there are some

00:00:41: realities that I start to acknowledge, and it's not that I'm afraid of being old.

00:00:50: I think it's something that really changes in how my life

00:00:56: is and all the opportunities.

00:00:58: So think about it.

00:01:00: I always thought about going to New Zealand, and when I was younger,

00:01:07: I was pretty sure that one day I would go there because I love

00:01:12: nature, I love the landscape I just love being out in the mountains.

00:01:17: And so New Zealand to me seems like the perfect place, and

00:01:20: yeah, this was a clear One Day.

00:01:24: And at the moment, for me, it's probably a possibility.

00:01:31: For my husband, who is 24 years older than me, it has become a No Longer.

00:01:38: It had been his dream as well, but now at the age of 84, he no

00:01:44: longer is in a physical state to sit in a airplane for that long.

00:01:51: And so it's about the imagined future that really changes.

00:01:58: It's about the opportunities that change, and I think not

00:02:05: accepting that would be really sad.

00:02:10: I prefer to acknowledge that if I want to still do things that are

00:02:17: possible now, I should do them.

00:02:21: Because otherwise my One Day, my Someday In The Future

00:02:27: will have become a no longer.

00:02:32: And when I started thinking about it a bit more, the same is true with relationships.

00:02:39: I had to say goodbye in earlier years, and usually the goodbye was until next time.

00:02:48: And yes, some goodbyes were final already at that age.

00:02:52: But those final goodbyes get more and more.

00:02:57: And

00:03:00: yes, it is, again, a reality.

00:03:05: The older I get, the more people around me get older, and the probability

00:03:14: of us not meeting up again is higher than it was at early age.

00:03:20: Also probably because I'm not traveling as much as in the past.

00:03:25: I have friends in Australia.

00:03:28: Most probably I will no longer see them

00:03:32: Some of that is sad, and I don't want to pretend otherwise.

00:03:37: But it also makes me think more carefully about what matters to

00:03:41: me and who I want to spend time with and what I keep putting off.

00:03:46: if something is important and still possible, perhaps I shouldn't always

00:03:51: assume there will be time for it later.

00:03:53: I see that as an indication that we need to really focus on what is

00:04:03: it that we wanna use our life for?

00:04:08: What is it that we wanna absolutely make sure that we experience in our lifetime?

00:04:15: And also, what I think is really important is that we take some time to

00:04:23: think about what are the not yets in our time and where do we still wanna grow?

00:04:31: Where do we still have new experiences?

00:04:34: Where do we still want to meet new people?

00:04:38: What do we do?

00:04:39: Where do we go so that we can meet new people, we can make new friends?

00:04:44: And thanks to all my different networks, I have made so many new friends in

00:04:49: the last one, two, three, five years, many more than when I was young.

00:04:58: So it's not that because I turned 60 my life is coming to an end,

00:05:03: but my perspective has changed.

00:05:06: When I spend time with others, this time has much more emphasis because I

00:05:14: know that if I'm meeting up with someone in a different country, for example,

00:05:19: I might no longer go there, again.

00:05:23: And on the other hand, I'm actively looking out for things

00:05:28: that keep me growing, that keep me learning, because I am a strong

00:05:34: believer of the growth mindset.

00:05:36: I'm a strong believer of us looking for opportunities to grow.

00:05:42: And I'm even more so looking for those opportunities.

00:05:48: And yeah, I'm now training to become a dog trainer, and it's so funny because

00:05:54: I'm so used to teaching and I'm so used to sharing what I know with others.

00:06:00: And when I'm sitting there next to the dog trainer who is then instructing

00:06:04: everyone and I'm like, "Okay, I would do this like this and this probably

00:06:08: like that, and how would I do that?" And it's so strange for me to just

00:06:12: sit there and observe, but it's great.

00:06:14: It makes me feel young again.

00:06:16: And several weeks ago, I bought myself an e- piano, and I

00:06:21: started practicing piano again.

00:06:23: I'm by far worse than I thought I would be, but if I think back, I think I

00:06:29: stopped playing the piano 40 years ago.

00:06:32: So what did I expect?

00:06:33: But it's so much fun because I notice how my fingers, after a few days of practice,

00:06:41: are already completely different.

00:06:44: They are much more flexible, so it's so much fun to, to see how I

00:06:49: can still improve in certain areas.

00:06:52: Today really is the day to focus on what you want to do and where

00:06:57: you wanna grow going forward.

00:07:00: So think about that in your life.

00:07:06: What are the things that truly are no longer possible?

00:07:12: And what are the things that you only assume that have closed?

00:07:18: Like for me, I'm really grieving my mare.

00:07:23: I get even emotional when I talk about that.

00:07:27: She is still alive, but she's living far away from me together with my second mare.

00:07:32: So I have two horses living far away just because I know they

00:07:35: have the best possible life there.

00:07:38: So now I no longer have animals as part of my daily life, and that is hard.

00:07:44: And the question is is it truly no longer possible for me to live with animals?

00:07:50: And maybe not, and maybe yes.

00:07:54: So that is what I need to deal with, and that is what I need… I can consider.

00:08:00: What am I prepared to invest in living with animals?

00:08:08: And sometimes we limit ourselves because of fear, because we are afraid, or

00:08:15: because we're just used to things, and we think that's the way we will

00:08:21: always do it, and that's the way I am.

00:08:23: A lot of my coachees, or I have one coachee in particular, when we talk about

00:08:28: things, she says, "Oh, yeah, that's the way I am." And I'm like, "Yeah, that's

00:08:32: the way you have been up to now, but you still can change." And that's where I do

00:08:37: feel young, even if I'm technically old.

00:08:43: And I think the next question really is about relationships.

00:08:48: Which are the relationships I wanna give more attention to?

00:08:54: What are the existing ones that I wanna keep, that I wanna

00:08:58: grow, that I wanna nourish?

00:09:02: And where can I go to get to know new people?

00:09:05: Where can I broaden my horizon in talking to other people?

00:09:10: Maybe with the dog trainers.

00:09:12: That's so many different people that I get in contact with and I

00:09:15: can learn from and I can study and I can, yeah, be really curious about.

00:09:21: So make this contact more intentional rather than as often as possible.

00:09:27: Yes, it's great if you have a friend and you can see her

00:09:30: daily or maybe once a week.

00:09:32: Some of my friends, I only see them twice, three times a year.

00:09:37: But I guarantee you every single moment I spend with them, whenever I am with

00:09:42: them, I am 100% there and I'm fully focused, and this makes such a difference.

00:09:52: So maybe, yeah, find some time together, and maybe share something

00:09:59: that you had not shared before.

00:10:01: Maybe show more vulnerability.

00:10:04: Show more of yourself in this relationship.

00:10:10: And the other question I have for you is What is one

00:10:15: meaningful Not Yet in your life?

00:10:19: So something you have been thinking about for a long time, maybe an anticipation

00:10:25: of something that has not yet arrived in your life or a task you wanted to achieve.

00:10:31: And I'm not talking about a bucket list and then you're crossing it off.

00:10:36: I'm talking about the things that make a real difference.

00:10:40: Yeah I'm now cleaning litter boxes at a shelter, and someone could say

00:10:47: why do you spend your time there?

00:10:49: Why do you waste your time there?" But It's so much fun for me because

00:10:53: I know I'm doing something that is really helpful, really supportive

00:10:57: for the people working there.

00:10:59: I just love those little kittens that I can spend some time with.

00:11:04: So yeah that's something that I hadn't done yet.

00:11:08: I had always considered helping out at the shelter.

00:11:12: Now I'm doing that.

00:11:13: And maybe I will not be doing it in a year's time, but I have now got this

00:11:18: experience, and there will be other things in the next years that I still

00:11:22: can do and I still am looking forward to.

00:11:25: And Yes, there are things that are no longer possible, and there are people

00:11:30: or parts of our lives that we miss.

00:11:34: We can be sad about that, and we don't have to rush past that.

00:11:39: But I also want to notice what is still open, whether that is learning something,

00:11:46: meeting someone, or doing something I've been thinking about for years.

00:11:51: For me, getting older means acknowledging both.

00:11:55: So what is one meaningful Not Yet in your life?

00:12:00: And if you wanna share some of your Not Yet's, I would be really grateful.

00:12:06: So thank you so much for today and speak to you soon.

00:12:10: Bye-bye.

00:12:12: This was Lead Well!

00:12:14: Now what is the one thing that you're taking away from this episode?

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