The Comfort Of Blame

00:00:00: Last week I talked to you about James French and Chili Slinger when what they were currently doing in Nepal.

00:00:08: And interestingly why there we're still here, something happened in Nepal that has been on my mind for the last few days... ...and this time it had nothing do with elephants!

00:00:19: On Wednesday part of a glacier high up in the Himalayas collapsed.

00:00:25: An enormous amount of ice and rock came down into the valley, creating this massive debris flow and flood.

00:00:32: Villages were destroyed, roads and bridges disappeared.

00:00:36: Hundreds of people have died and thousands are still missing.

00:00:41: And when I first heard about it... Of course my immediate thought was Jelly & James because i knew they where in Nepal.

00:00:49: They were not in the immediate area where this happened, but still suddenly this disaster felt much closer to me than maybe it would have otherwise.

00:00:59: And then I started reading more about what had happened and i noticed something that i find really interesting.

00:01:08: almost immediately people started looking for someone to blame.

00:01:13: there are claims that the chinese had costed through construction work.

00:01:17: There were reports about blasting.

00:01:19: Other people said a Chinese dam had collapsed, and at this point scientists actually know quite a bit of what happened.

00:01:27: They knew that the disaster started with the collapse off part of the glacier on the Nepalese side.

00:01:33: What they don't know yet is exactly why the glacier collapsed At that particular moment.

00:01:40: And I think This little word Yet Is Quite Important Because apparently we humans don't really like, We don't know yet.

00:01:50: We seem to prefer an explanation and very often we seemed to prefer the explanation that comes with a person who can blame.

00:02:00: And this made me wonder why?

00:02:03: Why do you need someone To blame?

00:02:07: Does it actually make us feel better?

00:02:11: I have to admit i noticed tendency Very well for myself.

00:02:15: If something happens that I don't like, I can be extremely quick in deciding why it happened.

00:02:22: Someone should have done something differently.

00:02:25: someone didn't tell me what i needed to know!

00:02:28: Someone should've known better.

00:02:30: or and I think this is important too sometimes that someone is me...I Should Have Known..I Should've Seen It Coming....I Should've Done Something Differently.

00:02:42: And in that moment, this doesn't really feel like an interpretation.

00:02:46: It feels like the truth!

00:02:48: I know exactly what happened but do I?

00:02:53: This reminded me of something i talked about it last episode.

00:02:57: The behavior is real.

00:03:00: Our interpretation may not be and maybe same as true here.

00:03:06: Something has happened.

00:03:08: That part is real but then our brain starts filling in all the missing pieces.

00:03:15: And apparently there is actually a psychological reason why we do this!

00:03:20: There has been some fascinating research into fear and anger, what researchers have found?

00:03:27: that these two emotions are very different when it comes to our sense of certainty & control.

00:03:33: Fear is often connected with uncertainty.

00:03:36: I don't know what's going to happen.

00:03:38: I don' t know whether i'm safe, or if this could happen again and I can do anything about it.

00:03:47: Anger is different.

00:03:49: If I am angry at someone suddenly I have a target!

00:03:53: I know where to direct my energy…I CAN DO SOMETHING….

00:03:57: I can confront the person.. I can criticize them... I can demand that something changes.

00:04:04: And when I thought about this, I found it fascinating because maybe blaming someone doesn't necessarily make us feel good.

00:04:12: But It may make us less helpless and that is quite a difference.

00:04:18: Think About That Disaster in Nepal.

00:04:21: If A Mountain, A Glacier Simply Collapses and Nobody Knows Exactly Why at This Point?

00:04:27: That Is Frightening Because what do you do with that?

00:04:31: You can't talk to a glacier.

00:04:33: You cannot tell the mountain, please don't do it again!

00:04:37: You cannot make nature promise you this will never happen again.

00:04:42: but if somebody caused it well then suddenly there is something you could stop them or punish and make sure they won't do.

00:04:52: And strangely enough, even though that story sounds much more sinister in some ways it may actually feel safer because now there is a cost we can control.

00:05:04: There's another piece of research I found really interesting.

00:05:08: Two psychologists Jennifer Whitson and Adam Kalinsky looked at what happens to people when they experience loss-of-control And they found that when people felt less in control, they became more likely to see patterns where there were none.

00:05:26: They were more likely create connections between things and also more likely believe in

00:05:32: conspiracies.".

00:05:34: I have to say – When i read it ,I thought yes!

00:05:37: That makes sense to me because our brain wants things make sense.

00:05:42: We want to understand why something happened, and if there is a gap apparently our brain is quite happy to fill it.

00:05:50: And again I'm not talking only about people spreading stories about a disaster on social media – i think we do this every day!

00:05:59: Imagine someone doesn't answer your message….

00:06:02: what do you think?

00:06:05: Maybe nothing but maybe her mind immediately says she's annoyed with me or the manager doesnt invite He doesn't value my opinion.

00:06:16: Your colleague makes a decision without asking you, she does not respect me.

00:06:21: maybe all of those things could be true but there are also probably ten other explanations and yet once we have picked one especially when we're emotionally involved it becomes really difficult to remember that.

00:06:38: this is just one possible explanation.

00:06:43: I come across this a lot in coaching.

00:06:46: And, also know it for myself once i have created the story?

00:06:50: I start reacting to that story not necessarily what actually happened and then other person reacts too me.

00:06:59: suddenly we had create whole conflict based on something may never been true at first place isn't interesting.

00:07:09: original event might be quite small but the story becomes huge.

00:07:15: Now, when I was looking into this topic... ...I also came across something Friedrich Nietzsche wrote about more than a hundred years ago and i'm not going to turn it in to philosophy lecture don't worry!

00:07:28: But I found that thought so interesting.

00:07:31: he basically described his very human tendency as ''i suffer''.

00:07:37: So someone must be to blame And I thought about that for quite a while, because if i'm suffering and no one is to blame then im left with the suffering.

00:07:49: Im left with sadness ,with disappointment.

00:07:53: maybe grief may be fear Maybe helplessness.

00:07:58: Those feelings are not particularly comfortable.

00:08:01: If someone has to blame can get angry.

00:08:04: instead An anger sometimes feels much more powerful.

00:08:10: I can do something with anger.

00:08:12: Now, interestingly working with animals has taught me something quite different and also want to be careful here because animals can absolutely be traumatized.

00:08:23: they can't be frightened They can develop associations with places of people With particular situations And they can carry those experiences for a very long time.

00:08:35: so i'm not saying that animals Simply forget something terrible and move on.

00:08:39: Absolutely not!

00:08:41: But what I find interesting is, What we humans add through language And our ability to break really complex stories.

00:08:50: We don't only experience the event where you can replay it... ...we can imagine what should have happened.. ..We can imagine how different our whole life might be if this one thing had never happened and we can do that for years.

00:09:08: And when I work with animals, one of the things I have learned through their trust technique is to come back to what it's actually there?

00:09:17: What am I observing?

00:09:19: What is happening right now?

00:09:21: What does the animal telling me through?

00:09:23: their behavior are?

00:09:25: perhaps most importantly...what am i adding?

00:09:30: because sometimes I look at an animal And then I have to remind myself, Christine you don't.

00:09:39: You have an idea maybe a very educated idea Maybe your right but still it is an interpretation and i think that's such important distinction with people as well.

00:09:54: This of course brings me back to leadership because Think about what happens in an organization when something goes wrong A project fails, the customer leaves The target is missed Something has gone really badly.

00:10:08: What is usually one of the first questions?

00:10:11: Who did this, who made a mistake, who was responsible?

00:10:16: and I want to be very clear here because i don't think responsibility's bad thing.

00:10:20: quite opposite if make a mistake then we need to know that Accountability absolutely matters.

00:10:37: But I think there is a difference between trying to understand responsibility and wanting to find someone who's guilty, And maybe you can feel that difference.

00:10:46: The first comes from curiosity What happened?

00:10:50: what did we know?

00:10:51: What didn't we know?

00:10:53: ?What decisions were made?

00:10:55: What conditions contributed?

00:10:57: What can well learn?

00:10:59: Yes Who was responsible?

00:11:01: for which part?

00:11:03: Blame starts somewhere else.

00:11:05: Blame often starts with who screwed this up?

00:11:09: And once we have that person, there is a danger that we stop looking because now We have the explanation problem solved.

00:11:18: Except maybe it isn't.

00:11:19: Maybe that person made a mistake Because process was poor.

00:11:24: Maybe information didn't reach them.

00:11:26: Maybe everyone had been doing The same thing for years and It just happened to go wrong This time.

00:11:32: Maybe there was so much pressure in the system that shortcuts had become normal.

00:11:37: Maybe a person really was negligent, we didn't know until we looked.

00:11:43: and this is where psychological safety becomes important because if people know whenever something goes wrong somebody will be blamed.

00:11:52: what they learn probably not to tell you when things go wrong They'll hide their mistake, wait, hope nobody notices.

00:12:02: And as a leader, that's the last thing I want.

00:12:28: Now there is one last piece of this that I find particularly interesting, and it's self-blame.

00:12:35: Because i think self blame can give us exactly the same feeling of control!

00:12:41: I know I have done something like this... Something happened and thought I should've known.

00:12:46: And there almost something comforting in that idea because if I SHOULD'VE KNOWN then maybe next time If it was my mistake, I can make sure i never made that mistake again and then...i'm safe.

00:13:02: But what if i genuinely couldn't have known?

00:13:05: What if i made the best decision i could with information i had at this point?

00:13:10: That's much harder because than i have to accept that i cannot control everything!

00:13:16: And i don't know about you but i dont particularly like that thought..I like control I like knowing what's going to happen.

00:13:25: And life doesn't always cooperate with that, so maybe this is the actual question i want to leave you with today?

00:13:33: The next time something happens and you notice that you immediately know who is to blame.

00:13:39: just pause for a moment.

00:13:41: You don't need to tell yourself that your wrong!

00:13:44: You might be completely right.

00:13:46: Just ask What do I actually know?

00:13:49: What am I interpreting and what am i feeling underneath?

00:13:53: this need to find a cause?

00:13:55: Is it anger or is there maybe fear underneath?

00:14:00: Disappointment, sadness helplessness.

00:14:05: And then one more question if There was nobody to blame how would that feel?

00:14:11: I Find quite an uncomfortable Question which probably means It's worth asking because sometimes someone really is responsible.

00:14:22: And, sometimes we simply don't know yet and maybe good self-leadership means being able to stay in that I Don't Know Yet for just a little bit longer.

00:14:34: Long enough to remain curious long Enough together more information.

00:14:39: long enough To see what's actually there instead of grabbing the first explanation That makes us feel safe?

00:14:47: Coming back to Nepal There will be a lot to learn from this disaster.

00:14:52: Scientists will continue investigating why the glacier collapsed, there will be questions about warning systems preparation infrastructure climate and cooperation across borders.

00:15:05: And those questions matter because they can potentially help people in the future.

00:15:10: But what struck me over the last few days has how quickly we humans moved From something terrible happening To wanting someone who have done it And maybe that tells us something about how difficult uncertainty is for us.

00:15:24: So I would really love you to observe that in yourself this week, where do you notice blame?

00:15:30: coming up with someone else at work?

00:15:34: In your family or towards yourself?

00:15:39: and when it does just become a little curious what do i know?

00:15:50: Have a wonderful week and bless all the people in Nepal.

00:15:57: It has to be such horrible, hard time I'm really feeling with them.

00:16:03: Thank you.