Ep 134. Train the Pause

00:00:00: And the important thing is really that not every impulse requires an action, and not every critical comment requires an immediate answer.

00:00:11: It also doesn't mean a pause is passive – sometimes it's really the most responsible action you have available!

00:00:30: Imagine a situation, someone criticizes something you made or decision-making.

00:00:37: And before you have even fully understood what they're saying and are already responding... You explain yourself, perhaps your voice becomes sharper?

00:00:46: And often afterwards… you realize well I could've handled that differently!

00:00:53: This has happened pretty often to one of my coaching clients.

00:01:00: she regularly used to respond very quickly to critical comments and her immediate instinct is to defend her position because she feels attacked.

00:01:11: But afterwards, She can often see the situation more clearly And sometimes it's possible that she can repair The interaction and repaired a relationship but the first response always affected both herself and the person she was responding to.

00:01:33: So, the problem is really not that she doesn't know how to communicate.

00:01:37: The problem was that under pressure... She couldn't access what she knew!

00:01:45: She responded really sporadically.

00:01:47: so..The question is How can we learn to create a pause before an automatic reaction takes over?

00:01:59: During our conversation, I suddenly thought about impulse control training with dogs that i'm currently learning.

00:02:08: So the principle there is when you train with a dog especially puppies for example ask them to come back like it's called the recall and You do not begin in most difficult environment.

00:02:28: On the contrary, you start in a very manageable situation.

00:02:33: Calm environment at home where there is no distraction and so the dog learns what do want them to do with very little distraction?

00:02:44: And once The dog gets it In that safe environment and very calm environment You can then add distractions And the repetition really makes a response more accessible, even when level of distraction rises.

00:03:07: Now... When we bring that back into our lives.

00:03:14: I'm not comparing humans to dogs although i do think some things are common.

00:03:20: I am looking at this learning principle where we use very consistently in dog training but often ignore it.

00:03:29: And the thing is that we expect ourselves to respond calmly in the most emotionally charged situations, even though we probably have never practiced that response under easier conditions.

00:03:44: So... The thing is… We do not want to train our selves to NOT HAVE an impulse!

00:03:55: WE'RE training OURSELVES TO NOT FOLLOW every impulse automatically.

00:04:02: But let's look at what happens when someone criticizes us.

00:04:08: Criticism can really be experienced as a social threat, so when someone tells me that something is not right about what I've been doing.

00:04:20: i often take that as a personal criticism of them saying There is a fundamental fear of every human being and that it's to be pushed out.

00:04:36: the group.

00:04:37: And this something comes up.

00:04:40: when criticism happens It might also challenge your competence, status you're belonging and fairness.

00:04:49: You may feel what was not right to say Doesn't matter if other person have been saying.

00:04:58: What matters is how your body reacts.

00:05:02: Because, you're body prepares to protect you before even consciously assess the situation.

00:05:12: and for some people protection looks like withdrawal so they shy away probably shut down.

00:05:20: don't say anything contradicting, explaining defending or counter-criticizing.

00:05:29: So if you criticize me I find some flaws in you and the saying that attack is best form of defense not only an attitude.

00:05:42: it can become a really highly practice stress response.

00:05:48: so the stress response because our mind wants to protect us explains but it does not remove the responsibility for its impact.

00:06:02: We expect our dogs to control their impulses, so we should also at least try to control them.

00:06:11: But when are in a stressed situation?

00:06:15: What happens?

00:06:17: Our attention narrows!

00:06:19: We can only see what's stressing us out...we can only hear and think about what was just said.

00:06:31: Nouncing, finding different perspectives becomes much harder so we start to also listen for what's wrong rather than looking for things that might be even useful and of course prepare our defense instead.

00:06:49: trying understand the other person is telling us in this moment are not really choosing a response.

00:06:58: We are running a familiar pattern.

00:07:00: So we do what we're used to doing in such

00:07:04: situation.".

00:07:05: Now, the interesting thing is that this same client has told me about the situations where she was able to respond differently?

00:07:16: She was able control her impulse and there's also received some critical comment.

00:07:27: But at that time, she took a breath and did not respond immediately.

00:07:33: And in the meantime while she was pausing another colleague answered so she realized no response from her is necessary.

00:07:45: The impulse felt urgent but this situation wasn't This really an important learning for her?

00:07:53: because it showed that ability already there.

00:07:56: She did not have to invent it.

00:07:58: she only had to make it more reliable, so this ability to pause So that you could think again and the important thing is really That not every impulse requires an action And Not Every Critical Comment Requires An Immediate Answer.

00:08:17: and also doesn't mean that a Pause Is Passive.

00:08:22: Sometimes It's Really The Most Responsible Action that you have available.

00:08:29: So what can we do there?

00:08:31: Step one is really recognize your early warning signs because your body will react.

00:08:41: so if you want to interrupt an automatic response, You need to recognize this response before the words are left in your mouth.

00:08:53: So what does usually happen?

00:08:55: Our body responds.

00:08:56: There is tension in your jaw, heat is building up on the face.

00:09:01: you feel a pressure in your chest or stomach.

00:09:04: You are holding your breath Or your heart starts beating faster probably leaning forward or maybe feeling this urge to interrupt.

00:09:17: There might also be some thoughts like, this is not fair.

00:09:20: This is not true.

00:09:21: I can't let them stand.

00:09:23: they don't understand.

00:09:25: i have to correct us immediately.

00:09:30: so think about the situation for a moment.

00:09:35: what happens in your body during The five or ten seconds before you become defensive?

00:09:43: big four?

00:09:43: u answer.

00:09:46: And to be clear here, the body signal is not a problem.

00:09:51: It can become your cue and it becomes helping signals because they tell you that this moment has to pause.

00:10:00: Now what do we do?

00:10:02: You can of course take a breath!

00:10:05: There's one type of breathing which really helps reduce intensity very quickly in most cases.

00:10:17: This is called the physiological site and it has only been described in very recent years, It has been discovered and described in twenty-twenty three And its similar to what we do when were sobbing.

00:10:36: When we're sobbing We are like... And this exactly was.

00:10:42: that's why we use nose to breathe In our mouth to breathe out.

00:10:48: So you do so, breath in through your nose take a second short of breath into your nose and then breathe out slowly and completely through your mouth.

00:11:03: this will not solve the conflict or give you an answer tell you what to say but it can reduce your physical activation enough Because when your body is preparing you for fight, trying to find the perfect words.

00:11:26: It's not even possible because your brain so focused on what getting going wrong here.

00:11:36: So first need focus on regulating state and then deal with content There.

00:11:45: another step that you can use because as we said in dog training, We start with a very safe environment where there are no distractions or very little distractions.

00:11:58: So what can you do here?

00:12:00: You can prepare Because In the stressful moment it's difficult to invent an elegant response so you can't repair that before you need It and you prepare it with no one being around, and you can come up with multiple possible sentences.

00:12:24: Like I hear your point but i'd like to think about it a little.

00:12:32: thank you for raising this.

00:12:33: let me consider before i respond or you can say i don't want to answer too quickly.

00:12:39: can we return to this later?

00:12:43: to admit that the criticism is correct.

00:12:54: This really a decision for you not respond from your defensive state, but take time and give your brain an opportunity... ...to think about the answer that you want to

00:13:10: give.".

00:13:11: Of course this pause must NOT become avoidance!

00:13:16: So if say will return to issue then also return to it.

00:13:22: And now you can train with increasing levels of difficulty, so this is where the training principle becomes really practical!

00:13:31: You do not begin with a person which triggers you the most...you begin when answering an email.

00:13:40: So pause before answering a mildly irritating e-mail and practice with trusted colleague.

00:13:49: We use a breath when receiving small correction from someone.

00:13:54: Practice the prepared sentence in more uncomfortable conversation, maybe even personal or private conversations and then gradually work towards situations involving stronger criticism of higher stress.

00:14:13: And sure there will be situation that you are not yet fully prepared for but I bet you are better prepared than in the past.

00:14:23: If you try to practice when you're really emotional already, then probably will not practice the right response.

00:14:35: You'll probably rehearse your pattern Your old reaction that you had.

00:14:44: You could start a simple experiment this week.

00:14:47: So for the next week, do not try to become perfectly calm.

00:14:52: This will probably not work.

00:14:54: Practice just one thing—one conscious breath between criticism and response or maybe even one conscious breathe between anyone talking to you and your responding to them because sometimes it's so easy sitting and listening to them first.

00:15:21: So this approach does not mean that you never feel defensive, but it means noticing your defensive response early enough so that you can regain choice.

00:15:37: And I have a few questions with what type of criticism triggers most quickly?

00:15:44: What is the first sign and which sentence could help you create that pause.

00:15:53: And also, where can practice under easier conditions this week?

00:15:59: The space between a trigger and your response may feel very small at first – perhaps it's only one breath but then one breath can change the tone of your answer And that is where great communication and leadership begins.