Ep 133. Shared Feelings

00:00:00: I think the uncomfortable truth is that when we recognize that we have shared feelings, this will prevent us from treating the animal as the only one with a problem.

00:00:17: Hi and welcome to Lead.

00:00:19: Well!

00:00:23: Are you sharing feelings?

00:00:26: In The Trust Technique, we ask that question quite at the beginning of our consultations.

00:00:31: So... We look into what is a specific situation and then we asked the person how does that make you feel?

00:00:40: And looking back it's interesting because I used to live with three different horses Gio and then Serena her daughter.

00:00:52: And the interesting thing is, I only noticed later at... At that time when i was living especially with my first two mares.

00:01:06: ...I did not recognize their pattern!

00:01:09: I only saw it to individuals and we were responding to those circumstances.

00:01:15: but now.. ..i really wonder what if something else happening whether a feeling had become part of our relationship itself.

00:01:25: And so, what are shared feelings?

00:01:27: So in a trustee consultation as I said this is one of the very first questions and initially i only asked because it's part of structure.

00:01:38: The deeper significance really became clear to me later.

00:01:46: humans and animals experience exactly the same emotion because we cannot know other's inner-experience, not even another human being's inner experience.

00:01:58: But when you look for possible parallels.

00:02:02: this shared feeling can probably be seen in how we respond to pressure what are the needs and sensitivities?

00:02:11: and also recurring emotional themes, and also situations that activate both nervous systems.

00:02:19: And sometimes especially with horses is the horse that gets frightened first... ...and in some situations it's the person who spooks!

00:02:30: The interesting thing is that relationship changes when circumstances change And so, it's not that much I want to prove my animal feels what i feel.

00:02:42: But the question is... What becomes visible when you consider possibility?

00:02:51: With my first Mayor Chio as mentioned before there was this longing for freedom.

00:02:57: It was powerful and whenever boundaries disappeared For example we went on a trail ride.

00:03:05: Neither of us simply relaxed into that freedom, but we tended to break through the limits and sometimes literally running.

00:03:13: And Gio later moved to a yard that offered much more freedom for her .

00:03:18: .

00:03:18: .

00:03:18: twenty-four or seven pacesher —and roughly at the same time my own life also changed— and might need to fight against restrictions became less

00:03:28: intense.".

00:03:29: And the interesting thing is our relationship also changed.

00:03:33: So freedom, this idea of not having enough freedom probably no longer seemed to control our relationship.

00:03:41: so a possible interpretation as we now are longer needed to act out that feeling and That's why we could find another way to coexist Another Way To Build Our Relationship And Love Each Other.

00:03:53: Now With Serena Chiu's Daughter The shared Feeling Was being different, not belonging standing outside and it was very visible for Serena because she usually stood apart from the herd.

00:04:07: She occasionally connected very close with one horse by only the same one but rarely with a wider group.

00:04:15: And I recognized my own experience of being an outsider in her Because i had the same Experience when I went to school...I always felt like The other and Not Belonging To the larger group.

00:04:30: And also with Serena, I moved her to another place and i don't see her that often unfortunately right now.

00:04:39: so I was going there three years ago and when I've been this year actually in July...I saw her in a completely different way because she was standing very comfortably And this is such a new way of her, behaving.

00:05:03: The interesting thing that my own sense being an outsider no longer the central theme in my world or existence and it's not so much... It might be their environment changed and relationship changes.

00:05:24: time passed I change too.

00:05:28: I think the important insight is that neither of us had to remain inside the identity through which i once understood us.

00:05:38: So this was what made us so close and now we have another level of connection, And with my latest mayor Maggie We shared The feeling of resignation.

00:05:53: So initially Maggie Was probably living with significantly physical pain before anyone recognized that me included.

00:06:04: And what looked like resignation to me might have been connected her body, no longer expected improvement and life without pain.

00:06:17: I carried my own form of resignation also connect it with difficult events in the sense having little influence because everything i tried train her up, everything I tried to better the situation at the end didn't work out.

00:06:33: And eventually i recognized her physical problems and I could respond more fully to her needs... ...and the emotional dynamic shifted.

00:06:44: but this change it did not immediately create harmony and love.

00:06:49: It was really bringing a new feeling.

00:06:52: that was rejection.

00:06:54: I felt rejected by Maggie because she was not behaving as... ...I expected a riding horse to behave.

00:07:02: And, she might also have experienced something in how i treated her my uncertainty My behavior.

00:07:09: and probably she felt that as rejection as well Because I wanted it help but literally ran out of ideas what could do.. ..because found no way meeting her needs until the day that her health was really low and really bad, as you all probably know have heard from other episodes.

00:07:30: And now she has moved to this other place with Serena... Yeah!

00:07:37: Again, the minute I unloaded her at that place i knew it was the best thing for her.

00:07:44: She is feeling completely at home.. Of course ,I've been working on my feeling of rejection as well, because there's a coach.

00:07:52: that also what I do.

00:07:54: I'm getting coaches to work with me and this rejection also stopped.

00:08:00: defining our relationship and acceptance now became

00:08:05: possible.".

00:08:05: And it really was almost like revelation for me is that It happened in one moment!

00:08:13: At the moment i unloaded her from the trailer.

00:08:18: comfortable truth is that when we recognize that we have shared feelings, this will prevent us from treating the animal as the only one with a problem.

00:08:33: And so the usual question that we are asking is what happened to this animal?

00:08:37: Why does this behavior and how can I stop this behavior?

00:08:42: now gets this additional question of What happens inside me.

00:08:50: And it does not mean that we cause the animals difficulties because in The Trust Technique, We say we have three ways of sharing feelings.

00:08:57: So It's either me having that feeling and animal picking up or the animal coming with a feeling I pick it up Or something called life attraction.

00:09:08: so its almost like an underlying feeling That were both happening Because everything had happened In our lives.

00:09:18: So, animals have their own bodies and pain and histories and genetics.

00:09:24: And learning experiences in environments.

00:09:28: but we are also part of the environment.

00:09:30: so our expectations... The attention that were giving them and habitual responses when they do something affects relationships.

00:09:43: And because now I no longer have one of my horses close to me, Serena and Maggie both living in that wonderful place which is very far from me.

00:09:54: I have started observing the same phenomenon off shared feelings with humans.

00:10:03: The question to explore really what feeling repeatedly emerges between us two people?

00:10:14: Could both be feeling unseen or could both fear rejection while creating distance?

00:10:22: Or, could both feel control while trying to control the interaction.

00:10:28: So when we have conflict with another person and don't really feel connected to them it does not always come from opposite feelings.

00:10:38: sometimes its the underlying same shared feeling that produces opposite behaviors.

00:10:45: So, for example you have a person who kind of withdraws and the other one pursues but both may fear losing their relationship.

00:10:57: so I'll have a reflection on this.

00:10:58: for you think about an animal or someone with whom you had significant relationships.

00:11:05: ask yourself what feeling appears repeatedly between us?

00:11:10: And when is it the strongest, and a hint there is that especially when you have an animal.

00:11:17: When this situation is something that you believe it's difficult behavior or unwanted behavior?

00:11:25: That is usually what this feeling comes up most.

00:11:30: The next question that can ask yourself how might other individuals express their feelings differently?

00:11:38: And of course what circumstances reinforce?

00:11:42: And is it still current or has it become an old story?

00:11:47: How does the feeling influence my behavior.

00:11:51: So what might change if I stopped organizing my behaviour around that feeling?

00:11:56: and do not force the answer, just keep those questions with you for a week because shared feelings they're not labels or diagnosis.

00:12:07: They are really an invitation to be curious.

00:12:12: I had three horses, and i still have two.

00:12:16: And... Three emotional chapters.

00:12:20: really.

00:12:20: with Chiu as said it was this need for freedom, with Serena is what the sense of belonging or lack of sense of belongings?

00:12:31: With Maggie it was resignation and rejection AND finally acceptance!

00:12:41: But the questions still help me understand each relationship differently and each personality or horse personality differently.

00:12:51: And a relationship always contains more than two separate personal stories, sometimes there is this third story involved that's created between us.

00:13:06: Bye for now!

00:13:09: Now, what is the one thing that you're taking away from this episode?

00:13:13: Please share in the comments below and do share with your friends & family.

00:13:18: But only if you like it!