Ep 126. How Trauma Patterns Shape Identity And How Awareness Creates Choice

00:00:00: Can you imagine ten years ago being your true, authentic self and putting that vulnerability out there?

00:00:06: Never.

00:00:06: And yet I think people are really coming around and thinking okay, vulnerability isn't a weakness it's this huge strength to put yourself up here on say This is who i am.

00:00:17: Take It Or Leave It

00:00:20: Hi & Welcome To Lead.

00:00:22: Well Todays conversation about something many people quietly struggle with.

00:00:32: You might understand where your patterns come from, you might even be able to explain them.

00:00:38: and yet in certain moments the same thoughts return.

00:00:43: The same emotional loops, the same reactions.

00:00:46: so the real question is not just why does this happen?

00:00:49: To me a real question Is Why Does It Still Shape How I Think Feel And Act Today?

00:00:56: My guest today is Kerry LaFave.

00:00:58: She has written two memoirs about her own journey through early life trauma and the long process of facing an understanding its impact.

00:01:08: But what

00:01:08: I'm interested in for this conversation is not just a story, which is, of course interesting.

00:01:15: But it's also what actually changes those patterns in real life.

00:01:19: so what shifts internally moment to moment and what can someone do differently when they find themselves stuck in the same loop again?

00:01:28: So

00:01:29: warm welcome Kerry!

00:01:31: It's great to have you here.

00:01:32: Hi Christine nice to meet too.

00:01:34: this is great

00:01:36: now.

00:01:37: In your books, you describe a childhood that had been shaped by restriction and trauma.

00:01:43: So what patterns from that time showed up later in everyday life?

00:01:49: And often probably without you noticing at first

00:01:53: I grew up being told What to do what To think where to go who to be with and nothing ever about who I was.

00:02:02: And so, I grew up with very low self-esteem like no self esteem No confidence in my abilities Anything about me.

00:02:11: It's always what i told that I was.

00:02:14: So growing up and going into adolescence and then to adulthood...I had a really bad picture of My identity..I had no identity.

00:02:25: it is what anybody else wanted Me To do.

00:02:27: That Is What I did.

00:02:30: It obviously really impacted the relationships that I chose, really unhealthy ones.

00:02:36: And because i had no idea of who I was and it took years for me to figure that out... ...and put into silence all those old stuff in the chatter.

00:02:49: When did this change?

00:02:50: Was there a particular moment in time or at an event?

00:02:55: How

00:02:56: did things happen?

00:02:58: It was a long process, but I was in really abusive relationship and i had met A friend recently who Had gone through a lot of sexual abuse And we became friends.

00:03:10: She noticed right away That her old patterns were my patterns.

00:03:15: So she started talking to me.

00:03:18: it Was then that I started looking at My relationship with this man Realizing he's replica Of what I grew up With and I started looking at all the stuff that had gone through, And i ended up going into a really intensive counseling twelve-week program.

00:03:39: That was probably the biggest turnaround for me to finally look back on my past and see how it made what I am today as well with relationships that were chosen At this point in my early thirties.

00:03:54: So before hitting those points

00:03:58: Wow, wow.

00:04:00: And can you share a bit more in detail?

00:04:03: So what were things that showed up in your life again and again That Were linked to how you were brought up?

00:04:11: this being silent like I would He would get angry at me one night and Throw me across rooms and i'd wake up In the morning look At my bruises Look at The holes on the wall But not talk about it.

00:04:27: I had to hide it and pretend that everything was fine between us.

00:04:31: Like this, the man of my life This is what i have chosen.

00:04:36: And when I realized...I'm just covering up a total lie First of all Of relationship.

00:04:44: and secondly Who am?

00:04:46: Putting with this Crap!

00:04:49: Thinking That It Was Okay.

00:04:52: At that point I've got to become authentic.

00:04:56: I've gotta become who i really am, but the chatter of course never stopped.

00:05:00: for a long time after that it continues and But it was the realization.

00:05:04: It was realizing that I can't continue like this.

00:05:08: Okay

00:05:09: That was the biggest.

00:05:11: And now A question though?

00:05:13: I have is how did dad then develop and go on?

00:05:20: because I can imagine that if you, the person you have been living with he was used to your behavior.

00:05:26: Now when you start changing your behavior there must be some kind of disruption?

00:05:33: And how did that work

00:05:35: out?".

00:05:36: Oh!

00:05:37: He wasn't happy at all...and so i took it upon myself Deserve what he is doing to you.

00:05:51: and that hit me hard because I hardly knew this guy.

00:05:54: And yet.

00:05:54: He's seen it for what?

00:05:56: It is, and he's saying You are better than that and nobody had ever told Me that i didn't deserve it.

00:06:02: so to hear That and to realize He's not gonna change cuz we had discussions about it and he told me i am who i Am.

00:06:11: if you don't like it Then that's too bad.

00:06:14: So that was my decision.

00:06:16: right there I somehow found the courage to leave and straddled on my own.

00:06:21: And, i was single for a few years but that was the best thing That ever happened To be alone.

00:06:27: Wow!

00:06:29: You changed how you reacted to these two triggers into patterns.

00:06:36: So has this gone away?

00:06:41: Is there still situations in your life today where you have to consciously react in a different way, or is it now the new way of reacting?

00:06:53: Has that become the new reality for you.

00:06:56: How does that turn out?

00:06:58: It's probably almost a daily thing because there's always triggers For example after I left him and then had been when i ended up becoming a police officer.

00:07:09: And yet The rapport that went on in that department was a total mirror of what my childhood had been.

00:07:18: There were Oli's, there were those that usurped their authority over someone else.

00:07:24: you were told this is what you have to do.

00:07:26: You are ridiculed if you didn't do it right.

00:07:29: So It Was A Total Mirror Of Everything I Had Grown Up With and i Didn't Really Realize That Until After I Had Left The Department.

00:07:36: And Then I Realized There Are Triggers For All Of Us Every Day.

00:07:40: and I think the biggest thing for me was realizing that i had choice.

00:07:47: I could choose to go back to the old way of saying okay, I'm no good...I failed.

00:07:53: this is ...i'm doomed for the rest of my life or saying that this is happening for me and choosing a different path ,a different perspective of everything that was going on around me.

00:08:04: but it takes a lot of hard work and observing your behavior.

00:08:10: If you don't observe what you're doing or what your thinking, You can just slip right back into that old stuff.

00:08:15: So it's a really conscious effort to come out of and do things differently.

00:08:20: A lot

00:08:20: self-awareness There is an interesting thing because We can be self aware on different levels and you thought that you spoke about the thoughts.

00:08:32: And then we have emotions, and we have the sensations that we feel in our body.

00:08:39: when they're real triggers I guess there is a reaction from their bodies as well.

00:08:43: so what were those signs that you could spot immediately?

00:08:47: That told.

00:08:48: now it's time to probably careful isn't

00:08:56: Becoming silent and I felt, I could feel myself shrinking.

00:09:00: Like i wasn't there in on my authentic self...I was shrinking back thinking okay..i can't say that putting restrictions on myself That's what I could do And that is probably the biggest.

00:09:15: But as you said it's a lot of so much of self-awareness?

00:09:18: I Can Do that and not even think about that.

00:09:20: thats What Im doing.

00:09:22: but The more your aware Of all of those triggers and how you react to really simple things Someone gives you a dirty look as your driving by.

00:09:32: that can trigger me into thinking.

00:09:34: Oh, what did I do wrong?

00:09:37: Instead of saying oh they must be having a bad day.

00:09:39: so it's Really How You Translate Things That Come Your Way And It's So Easy To slip Back Into Old Patterns.

00:09:47: i think we and i still Do it i Still Can Catch Myself in Thinking okay that's old stuff and letting it go Just letting it go every day, letting it go.

00:09:57: Realizing that's not who I am.

00:09:59: this is my true identity.

00:10:00: Who i am today?

00:10:02: Not what I was told.

00:10:04: Well

00:10:05: well It does sound like a lot of work to me.

00:10:09: Does it feel Like work?

00:10:10: or how does it?

00:10:11: How does this new life Feel?

00:10:14: its Work?

00:10:15: but the rewards?

00:10:17: I look at Life A whole Lot differently now Than What I ever did.

00:10:19: okay

00:10:20: and I guess And My Whole Spiritual Awareness has changed tons from what I grew up with.

00:10:29: Growing up, I was terrified of God like I was going to hell because I was no good.

00:10:34: now i don't buy any of that...I've totally changed my spiritual outlook That we are here for a reason-that this is earth school.

00:10:42: We're here to learn things and life as an experience that can embrace not fear.

00:10:49: And when you think about fear instead love Then that's where we really run into the whole doom and gloom.

00:10:58: So it's looking at life differently, but this is an experience.

00:11:00: This isn't a journey And we're all on a journey and I've really discovered That we are also much more similar than we are different.

00:11:08: We've all gone through shit And It's how we come out on the other side and learn and i think A lot More people Are becoming Much more attuned much more aware of that now Than ever before.

00:11:20: Yeah, I think also because this whole idea of being more vulnerable and showing up with our authenticity is much more popular.

00:11:31: And also much more accepted by everyone.

00:11:35: Can you imagine ten years ago?

00:11:37: Being your true authentic self and putting that vulnerability out there or never...and yet i say people are really coming around thinking okay vulnerability isn't a weakness it's huge strength.

00:11:50: put yourself out there and say, this is who I am.

00:11:53: Take it or leave it.

00:11:55: Wow yeah So we all have a lot to learn And at the other hand i think We're All here To share some things.

00:12:02: so what would you Say Is your mission?

00:12:06: What is It that You want to Make sure That Others Understand?

00:12:12: You know what we are all in This together and to Put up Life is really difficult.

00:12:19: If we can get that human connection with others and realize, We are all the same.

00:12:32: And if we can embrace that attitude rather than a one of division, That you're different from me.

00:12:54: You grew up differently.

00:12:55: Rather then We are all here experiencing life All in different ways and yet also very similar.

00:13:01: We have the same needs

00:13:04: Yeah Same

00:13:04: purpose.

00:13:05: It makes big

00:13:05: difference.

00:13:13: So How does, you talked about spiritual perspective on life.

00:13:21: So how does that translate into something practical in a difficult moment?

00:13:28: How are you leveraging your new spiritual perspective when...

00:13:32: A new perspective.

00:13:34: no one will not everyone's going to agree with me but I believe we've had many lives learned.

00:13:39: each live and i believe we make a contract with other soul family people and say this is what my experience in this lifetime is going to be.

00:13:54: I'm gonna choose really difficult parents, i'm gonna chose to be abused!

00:13:59: And you think What the hell would I ever choose that for?

00:14:02: And yet...I really believe That Is What We Do So That We Can Learned.

00:14:08: I chose for this to happen, For a reason.

00:14:17: I chose the people To be around me...to be there for Me or against Me and i've learned that sometimes our biggest Tor Mentors are Our biggest mentors And when we embrace That attitude When The really bad things Happen Which happens to every one of us It's just sit back and Realize.

00:14:37: okay What can i learn from This?

00:14:40: instead Of being the victim Being someone who Can rise above that and learn.

00:14:45: And once you can do that, life becomes totally different.

00:14:48: it's more of an opportunity than is a hardship but it takes a lot of work and I'm still there.

00:14:55: yeah i guess like its lifelong learning It's the lifelong journey and

00:15:00: Totally Yeah!

00:15:01: I also guess would be boring if we were all here sitting here.

00:15:05: Can

00:15:06: you imagine everything was simple?

00:15:10: We'd really tear each other apart.

00:15:12: Yeah,

00:15:14: absolutely!

00:15:15: A lot of what you just said reminds me of Viktor Frankl and his work And I love him saying that this is the ultimate freedom we have as humans to choose how we respond To what's happening with us.

00:15:31: Totally yeah...and we all had a choice like earlier.

00:15:36: Oh i was the victim in everything that happened for me and look what they're doing to me, but when you can change that around it makes such a difference.

00:15:45: The universe is there for us It's not against us.

00:15:49: There are lessons come our way over-and-over again in different ways And keeps hammering on until we finally get it and say Okay Leave me alone.

00:16:00: now I've got it.

00:16:03: Now i get it Because its relentless.

00:16:09: And, yeah.

00:16:11: It's so funny because sometimes when there are so many things happening and you feel like it is a completely different situation, completely different people involved but always one thing that has not changed...

00:16:24: Exactly!

00:16:26: Shit eh?

00:16:28: It's

00:16:28: back.

00:16:29: Yeah

00:16:31: That the funny thing.

00:16:32: I've gone through so much stuff.

00:16:34: Okay i finally learned this lesson But think we're an onion.

00:16:38: There's so many layers to us that the more layers, they get peeled away.

00:16:43: The more it comes up and you think You've learned something new.

00:16:46: thank you put That to rest alone.

00:16:49: behold It comes back because its another layer that you've got a shed that you gotta deal with.

00:16:55: yeah Yeah And I also find it really interesting Because i have started this journey like twenty five years ago.

00:17:05: I've met so many different people in the course of this, these five years.

00:17:12: And when I say twenty-five years and then live through it because that's where my parents talked about things like happened ten or twenty years ago

00:17:21: Who cares?

00:17:23: Exactly.

00:17:24: I

00:17:24: have the same, but people have changed as well.

00:17:27: so i have had friends over certain periods and my friendships and people i spend time with have changed over time quite dramatically.

00:17:38: yeah it's funny because last night we were looking at old photos Photographs, remember photo albums?

00:17:45: Look at that thing in the past.

00:17:47: But we were looking through old ones and it's well this was thirty-thirty five years ago And that was me.

00:17:53: so many of the people in these photos have passed on like their tragedies have happened.

00:17:57: they've died and People that are still around We're different people and some people are still Hanging onto the old stuff just changed drastically and yet It's everyone says its there journey and no matter where you're at That's where you're supposed to be.

00:18:15: Yeah,

00:18:16: and it says take it as it comes yeah And

00:18:20: do the best

00:18:22: or

00:18:22: try to make the best out of it.

00:18:26: because don't just sit there.

00:18:29: I sometimes when i'm really feeling bad...I have the tendency to blame others.

00:18:37: Okay!

00:18:39: I like this idea of positive intelligence that says we have an inner judge.

00:18:44: And it's either judging ourselves or judging others, or judging the circumstances.

00:18:49: so my judge is primarily judging others but its only when i'm feeling bad!

00:18:55: So It's When Im Down ,when im not centered, when im not grounded.

00:19:02: thats

00:19:03: when this voice comes up and Its so interesting.

00:19:06: really It's so interesting now that I'm aware of it.

00:19:10: I can also change my conversations,

00:19:16: yes and

00:19:17: literally see how like another time they have gone in a completely different way just because Now i am more aware

00:19:28: exactly the

00:19:29: conversation is in Acceptant of what the other person is telling me and trying to relate.

00:19:41: It really changes it, doesn't it?

00:19:43: Makes a

00:19:45: big difference!

00:19:46: And I think when we're aware... We are all energy When operating in that low vibrational field.

00:19:53: That's where judgment comes into play.

00:19:59: But if we can be aware of that and really consciously try to raise our vibration at a higher level, gratefulness is the huge thing.

00:20:08: To change it big!

00:20:12: And yeah...to be aware for everything around you and all of sudden your whole attitude changes.

00:20:19: It's very cool.

00:20:21: Also because you mentioned fear I cannot feel fearful when i'm grateful.

00:20:25: Exactly..it doesn't go together And love is the only thing that's real.

00:20:30: That what lasts and I know with fear, social media it has become a really fear-based society we live in.

00:20:42: if you can recognize that and realize okay don't need to be fearful.

00:20:47: this who i am.

00:20:49: It changes

00:20:56: to reduce everything you've learned into two or three principles that we could just take and apply in

00:21:05: our daily life.

00:21:05: Sure, put it on me to come up with the answers!

00:21:08: Absolutely I think.

00:21:15: let me see now... That's a tough one To come under.

00:21:18: the understanding.

00:21:20: this is Earth School.

00:21:21: We are in school And we're here to learn If its an experience.

00:21:28: Secondly, is that we chose this experience.

00:21:32: So how are we going to benefit from it?

00:21:35: It's not something that's happening To go against us.

00:21:39: It's happening for us to become more enlightened More aligned and to be aware of That there's so much more beyond us that we even know We live in a galaxy of So many beings and so much knowledge never get and to be able To know that And to embrace it.

00:22:05: And not to be a victim,to embrace those hard times.

00:22:10: So you okay I hate It?

00:22:14: Be really honest with your feelings.

00:22:16: Like emotions are Not wrong if You're angry be Angry If Your sad be Sad but be That.

00:22:22: Embrace your Emotions and Realize that.

00:22:24: Okay i'm Grateful for this Human Experience.

00:22:28: let's do it.

00:22:29: Let's just do it.

00:22:31: That is great and I think we cannot end this podcast without talking about your books as well, so you have two books.

00:22:40: Do want to

00:22:41: show them?

00:22:46: My second one was The Crystallide.

00:22:49: This one my spiritual journey To put to rest all that old chatter of God what I was supposed to do, and come up with my own spirituality.

00:23:00: My own belief system.

00:23:01: that felt right for

00:23:02: me.".

00:23:03: And everybody's different!

00:23:05: You can have atheists —and perfectly fine—that is where they're at.

00:23:09: but we all have a journey... We've got our own belief systems as well.

00:23:15: That's why i cover in this book….

00:23:16: My first book covers the choices of everything I made when I grew older Very personal, very honest.

00:23:30: If you don't want any bullshit these are the books.

00:23:33: Wow

00:23:34: Definitely definitely and I know you've already got several awards for them.

00:23:38: so

00:23:40: Thank You are

00:23:40: good!

00:23:44: You get to stamp.

00:23:47: That's great.

00:23:48: Other than your books where can people find out more about you?

00:23:53: They're on Amazon.

00:23:55: Just going to Amazon and pull up the titles.

00:23:58: Okay, wonderful great

00:24:00: Wonderful

00:24:03: Carrie.

00:24:04: There are many more questions.

00:24:07: I know we'll stay in contact.

00:24:09: Oh We certainly will.

00:24:11: there will be an opportunity for me to ask them And probably also share with my audience here before today.

00:24:17: Thank you so much.

00:24:19: thank You appreciate.

00:24:21: yeah Any questions out there, any feedback is wonderful.

00:24:26: I welcome it!

00:24:27: So let's keep the conversation going.

00:24:32: We will.

00:24:32: Thank you so much.

00:24:34: Thank You Christine.

00:24:36: Bless you

00:24:37: This was Leedwell.

00:24:39: Now what is one thing that your taking away from this episode?

00:24:43: Please share in comments below

00:24:44: and do share

00:24:45: the podcast with friends & family but only if u like.