Ep 121. How Trauma Changes Us, and What Helps Us Heal

00:00:00: Once you see somebody else in the room like you, no matter what type of abuse you've gone through it makes you feel like its gonna be okay.

00:00:07: Somebody else gets it!

00:00:11: Hi and welcome to Leadwell.

00:00:19: Today I have another wonderful guest Steve Steven Elliott Barotkin.

00:00:25: hi Steve

00:00:27: Hi thankyou for having me.

00:00:29: Steve You are an author.

00:00:32: You're the author of book Street Level, it's a memoir of survival that is both stark and deeply human!

00:00:41: And to me this book?

00:00:44: I haven't read a lot of books to be honest over the last few years because i'm usually listening to my books but yours really...I couldn't stop reading because It was..i must admit also so unexpected Really surprising at places And on the other hand, so emotional but without being too

00:01:06: emotional.

00:01:07: So I really loved it.

00:01:09: Thank you!

00:01:10: But this is not the only thing about you because i know your also a poet and You're also are musician...and I see guitar behind you..so

00:01:19: you play my back.

00:01:20: Yeah, one of them yeah

00:01:23: Wow....And you are dog lover?

00:01:29: You're also working for Wild Animal Rescue.

00:01:33: That's

00:01:33: correct, yeah we do rescue animals get calls We go out and you bring them back to the hospital or I answer phones there.

00:01:41: Wow

00:01:43: Yeah It's that's a beautiful thing.

00:01:45: That great And i think i can say that i Followed.

00:01:49: i've been following you on facebook because?

00:01:56: That's how I came to.

00:02:00: not know you but follow me.

00:02:02: Yeah, things are meant to be people make those connections.

00:02:06: Deb is just a wonderful person huge part of my heart and all this comes from that.

00:02:15: it all the freedom to do what we want to expect.

00:02:20: so come from having good partner.

00:02:23: really yeah for me.

00:02:25: Anyway.

00:02:27: Wow, because when I look into your book there was a lot of trauma and i think trauma is really big topic these days And a lot people talk about PTSD how they now suffer from trauma.

00:02:42: The experiences that you had to go through are pretty traumatic, but you have such a kind soul and loving personality that shows through.

00:02:54: And when reading your book I really was asking myself how come this person can still be so kind after all these experiences?

00:03:05: It's an interesting question...I had a lot of help acknowledging my heart as a child.

00:03:12: different mentors you don't realize who they are or what they're telling, until you get older and you grasp how deep it was that.

00:03:22: They said the most important part about any type of survival is keeping in mind Who You Are as a child going through That Type Of Trauma Especially From Someone Like A Parent Could pull you into a place that never feel you can come out of.

00:03:46: Having somebody in your life who's also part of the family, shows you beauty and life was a large yin-yang to me.

00:04:00: it came from where I could not have one without another.

00:04:05: pain through is only negated by the beauty that I was shown, and that beauty stuck with me.

00:04:13: And there's parts in a book that show both of my grandparents—my grandfathers especially one who is deeply musical —and that runs through my veins!

00:04:27: That talent...that emphasis on art and expression and empathy…runs through my vanes.

00:04:34: The other beautiful part comes from another grandfather.

00:04:37: like i say in this book Peter Pan to Me Takes me on trips to Manhattan.

00:04:42: They both showed me unconditional love and if anything that book shows That love trumps everything.

00:04:54: But there is nothing more important, and the idea that you recognize that After reading the book can other people recognize?

00:05:01: That it's hugely important as an artist.

00:05:04: so what made you decide To publish a book because it's very personal And its I don't know, i would feel really vulnerable talking about these things now in public.

00:05:19: Another interesting question...I think what drives you to honesty is the idea that you can't leave this earth and not have confronted exactly what's happened to you how it impacted other people and try to remedy whatever you've done wrong without regret.

00:05:44: It's a huge undertaking, having the artistic will to write a book like this came naturally.

00:05:58: I loved telling these stories when people got to know and Deb ten years ago eleven years ago now we met We started going out And it was serious When i decided To tell This woman The truth.

00:06:10: Then told about my life What My mother had Done all those experiences, she said you really should write a book.

00:06:19: and that's how it started.

00:06:20: And its been a ten year journey five hundred drafts three editors an amazing publisher.

00:06:27: but yeah the vulnerability if your not ashamed shame has nothing to do with being vulnerable.

00:06:36: for years I have equated both.

00:06:38: there were times where i carried that pain with me never told my family about My son, thirty-seven just found out about me.

00:06:48: He slept over here.

00:06:50: he read the book in one night came up to next morning and said holy shit dad people look at me differently.

00:07:00: it's a beautiful thing And that's what you get out of.

00:07:03: if I sold... If five thousand books were printed and only three or more are sold That other nine hundred ninety seven would be a gift to the world on their reviews that I get back.

00:07:16: The people, your review was outstanding and it encapsulated exactly how iIwas feeling.

00:07:24: so being vulnerable is A question of perception from me truly.

00:07:29: So what do you say?

00:07:30: It...the book and writing those stories And telling those stories Helped You To Process That Past Even now at a later stage in life?

00:07:45: In a way, yes.

00:07:45: It was not cathartic in any way.

00:07:48: it didn't help me process anything.

00:07:50: that took years of therapy.

00:07:52: That's the gears of self-medicating going to twelve step programs that Took years of beating myself up and then finally reaching a point where it wasn't being anymore.

00:08:05: And I stepped out of the shadow and writing these stories hoping that there's somebody else in the room like me who sees this.

00:08:15: This is a most important thing of the world, Like I said connection as an artist and you're connected with anything.

00:08:24: Any living things are beautiful And being an artist gives us that ability to reach out to everything other than breathing.

00:08:34: I just wanted someone else To see it was okay because my abuse was so odd and so one out of a hundred, that I don't think there'll be any other man who's going to talk about it.

00:08:49: I don' t think there is anybody else like that which makes us such an odd story to begin with.

00:08:55: but again if you tell the truth we have nothing to worry about right?

00:09:00: So... There It Is!

00:09:02: Yeah and kudos because you obviously did the work and i imagine it has been really.

00:09:08: hardwork

00:09:09: Never Ends spiritual work, there's no sidewalks.

00:09:14: You're either in it or you're not.

00:09:15: It either becomes second nature like drinking a glass of water.

00:09:20: and try Everybody has it in them everybody.

00:09:24: if your heart beats They are already ahead of the game is just a question of acknowledgement.

00:09:31: That's why I can't judge somebody else's trial.

00:09:33: who knows?

00:09:34: i've tried my best.

00:09:35: i worked with different organizations trying to speak to other men going through trauma.

00:09:40: The hardest thing is for them to actually man up.

00:09:45: It's the hardest thing in the world, for a guy be your guide and that's what this book all about you know?

00:09:53: What does a man compare with the rest of the world or suffer pain?

00:09:58: That as compared to woman just being a man!

00:10:02: And how do come on top and become full person?

00:10:06: What it take?

00:10:07: Being vulnerable, crying... being honest taking care of your family, not judging.

00:10:14: Life lessons no goal...no ending just conversations like this with people like you.

00:10:22: it's there it is!

00:10:25: You're halfway around the world and we're connecting.

00:10:27: It's a beautiful thing And its due to art and honesty and vulnerability.

00:10:37: animals in your life, because now you are deeply involved with them.

00:10:42: So how have they had an impact on your path?

00:10:47: Great question!

00:10:48: I think it's their innocence and the connection that i've got there.

00:10:53: when we let down our guard You can open yourself up to anything that is living.

00:10:59: If someone asked me specifically what this is about There somethings about wildlife which am surrounded by us.

00:11:06: We're blessed beautiful place right next to an Indian reservation, right on the Shinnecock Bay.

00:11:13: And we are surrounded by the most beautiful wildlife.

00:11:16: and yet we live in a part of Long Island where people drive like maniacs so they don't respect the wild.

00:11:23: life from The Wildlife is incident...and ...the idea that I could save a life and then release it To bring into our hospital and release.

00:11:34: It's the most Beautiful thing In the world because what else do We have?

00:11:40: And they're innocents.

00:11:41: They are nothing and larger than myself, other people that I bring the animals to their young People there these beautiful gender-bending tree hugging vegan Young women who have such a beautiful perspective of the world?

00:12:09: Anything from hawks to eagles, to deers.

00:12:12: To beavers Turtles any type of wildlife hundreds or different songbirds and we save them.

00:12:20: And so if you ask me what it is I don't know If he believed even a creator?

00:12:26: Or if you believe in God That's that kind of thing.

00:12:29: You look into the eye As an animal To me...and there It Is.

00:12:35: Thats really thoughts especially I don't know what it is about a dog.

00:12:41: And horses, there's something about horses too that... There's something special about them for all the abuse we've put through.

00:12:49: just like dogs they still love us.

00:12:51: and to me that big beginning of most people whatever you do.

00:12:55: Yeah

00:12:57: i think yeah.

00:12:57: the way i experience now because i work a lot with animals in their people like dogs cats and horses The animals, they always try to understand us.

00:13:08: We intelligent people say that animals don't have a language but we're just not smart enough to understand them and we expect them to understand as something riddled for me.

00:13:23: And then we project what?

00:13:24: We want them to think that.

00:13:26: we think that their thinking back on to us in its night.

00:13:29: if it you know with animals It's interesting itself less is more.

00:13:33: If you get down to just all they want is what they want, then you develop a great friendship with them.

00:13:40: Whether it's baby raccoon which we've taken home in this... We had hundreds of baby raccoons!

00:13:46: So many baby raccombs that started taking the home and nursing back.

00:13:51: but its that idea That fills your heart.

00:13:54: It lessens more within.

00:13:55: They're not going to lie to you.

00:13:56: don't have any kind of ulterior motive.

00:13:59: unless my dog she has.

00:14:01: He wants to be pet all the time.

00:14:03: Everything involves pets and treats, but it's a beautiful thing and you understand that once you step down And you simplify Once you open yourself up To all these other things that are living and breathing.

00:14:19: But to me It helps me sidestep What's really going on out here in the world?

00:14:26: I find myself being blessed at The same time as being horrifically scared and it's an eat but the animal saved my life.

00:14:36: Yeah,

00:14:36: I'm sure you get that they're just a time out.

00:14:39: i'm out yeah And I think because you show The way I experience You is to show a lot of humbleness also towards animals.

00:14:46: so there are So many people who try To dominate them.

00:14:50: tell him what to do in where to go?

00:14:53: But once you don't Do that and Once you accept them as equal living beings

00:15:00: It's a beautiful language a well-trained dog?

00:15:06: They're not really well trained.

00:15:08: You've reached a compromise with them, they'll listen to you if you just give him the simple things that they

00:15:13: want.".

00:15:14: That's it!

00:15:15: It is so simple.

00:15:17: and since then we start dominating stuff because out here we see hoarding situations for animals and geese and amsters...it was just a stir right there.

00:15:28: somebody had domestic rats.

00:15:30: they were hoarding Hundreds and hundreds they had to take out of this house.

00:15:33: It's just the question of understanding that there are, yes their animals as they have a name or humans is.

00:15:39: we haven't named but truly it's all about interaction.

00:15:43: now I feel people here i am judging But I would think that those People who don't acknowledge The love Of an animal Would be better in some ways if They Just opened up To even if it was A little bit at the time.

00:15:58: yeah Yeah, because I think also it's a latitude to say but how people interact with animals tells us about them as personality.

00:16:10: Yeah like caution where the red flag goes up you know what do we mean?

00:16:16: You don't like dogs.

00:16:18: okay have a nice day.

00:16:22: Now let's talk about this other constant in your life and that music.

00:16:26: So you mentioned, Your grandfather was into music?

00:16:28: And You more or less inherited

00:16:31: from him?

00:16:32: My whole family on my dad side are consummate musicians.

00:16:37: They all live out in LA.

00:16:38: they make a living either acting painting Or writing music.

00:16:44: I have here actually In my possession of hundreds Of my grandfathers compositions some jazz pieces signed over to his friend George Gershwin.

00:16:55: I have operas, I had concertos and he was a painter who spoke different languages and everybody in my family does that!

00:17:06: In fact with all this artistic value that runs through my brain i think on the least artistic out of everyone.

00:17:12: okay it's something that i could not ignore...I've been playing music since i'm But life gets in the way.

00:17:21: Family and this, that stuff.

00:17:23: but music has always been my friend.

00:17:27: right now is a very cool part of it with The Book coming out which was mine.

00:17:34: This band I'm in now...this project.

00:17:38: Am i allowed to say name?

00:17:39: Sure Oh so the name of the band is Saving Saturday.

00:17:44: It's original Music And we're catching on.

00:17:48: You know, for somebody that's seventy-one years old.

00:17:51: It is a beautiful thing but the band and music move me And I get to channel my family My grandfather...I am writing music I'm constructing notes I'm building something.

00:18:05: His presence is there.

00:18:08: If i say everybody in my family are musicians and painters and artists it Is The Truth.

00:18:16: for some reason my son didn't seem to get the full gene, but he's a big fan of music.

00:18:22: But yeah, music has been part in my life I guess since i'm eleven or twelve years old.

00:18:26: Sundays and My Grandmother's house was chambered Music performed by family.

00:18:32: Wow!

00:18:32: My grandfather's brother, my great uncle Was second violinist Leonard Bernstein's orchestra.

00:18:39: So I grew up with that...but Yeah!

00:18:43: Music could save me.

00:18:46: Wow But you're not playing classical music.

00:18:50: Is that, did I get that right?

00:18:53: Yeah no i believe in it.

00:18:56: but there's something about getting on stage...I play bass.

00:18:59: There is something about being onstage with a group of people.

00:19:03: It's humbling and it shakes me inside And its like happy place for my mom on stage.

00:19:09: Classical Music!

00:19:11: I enjoy listening to it.. I was the worst student my grandmother ever had as a piano teacher.

00:19:17: Okay, so there

00:19:19: you go!

00:19:21: That's wonderful.

00:19:22: that's wonderful now I know because when i read your book...I think the first command I wrote to you is..i can see this being uh blockbuster movie and do you share that?

00:19:33: This might be a project that you're already looking into.

00:19:37: everybody wants that what they write.

00:19:40: i'm exploring it on the outward fringes right now trying to stay humble, not thinking it's any better than anybody else but honestly I do believe that would translate well into something visual.

00:19:54: That people will take the journey with me even more closely.

00:19:58: then they did reading what i wrote.

00:20:00: there are some people who had said same thing.

00:20:03: have influence in industry.

00:20:05: is anything definite?

00:20:08: No!

00:20:08: But im going push book sales as an independent author.

00:20:12: its a slow burn you know And your friends and family rally around you, they read the book.

00:20:18: Now how is it going to translate out there in world?

00:20:20: Is still as strong or rugged for people who can't really identify with a personality only as an author that wrote this book.

00:20:30: So if I get you connected With It That's A Big Deal.

00:20:34: There are other people who were strangers Who didn't know me.

00:20:37: They've Connected With It.

00:20:39: I Can Tell You There Was One Woman That Read The Book Another Friend Of Debbs influential, and she read the book.

00:20:46: And first comment was I'm only reading this book because you're Deb's partner.

00:20:52: The second and last comment in a flurry of others before but the last comment Was... You know how good this book is?

00:21:00: This book were so good that if i left it at backseat with taxicab go buy another one.

00:21:05: So we talked about currency before That comes!

00:21:09: Thats worth everything.

00:21:12: And so that's what the book will be if it becomes a movie.

00:21:15: That's cool.

00:21:16: Yeah,

00:21:18: I would love to see.

00:21:19: you

00:21:23: know

00:21:25: Steve could go on with you forever because knowing The content of your book which my audience not all of them do There are so many facets of view that or is interesting and intriguing?

00:21:38: Let me ask like last question here So when someone has read your book and is closing it down, what do you hope stays with the readers long after they finish?

00:21:55: On a public level as everybody else would think I would hope that they enjoyed.

00:22:02: The ride that i've kept them engaged from the first moment that they opened the book to very last sense.

00:22:13: with me during the whole journey, and they appreciate poetry.

00:22:17: And The Beauty in the Darkness and the Redemption book.

00:22:20: as far as personal if somebody was to close the book and say I get it there is a way we've all been abused.

00:22:31: because If i can tell you As many people that I spoke into about this Book?

00:22:37: I Can Tell You That some if not A third Told Me of Their Own Abuse.

00:22:42: Once you see somebody else in the room like you, no matter what type of abuse you've gone through it makes you feel like its gonna be okay.

00:22:50: Somebody else gets it.

00:22:53: It took me years for this to be ok Years of lying and manipulating.

00:23:00: I'm telling people not-the-truth.

00:23:03: And so if someone understands that honesty is only way to go That's all.

00:23:10: pay whats you went thru but it's not okay.

00:23:13: How you're carrying is a better way to carry.

00:23:17: then I'm done, i've done it.

00:23:19: people ask me for a second book.

00:23:22: hey...I don't know.

00:23:23: It's like a movie where there's this sequel.

00:23:25: This Is A Book!

00:23:27: I'm Done!

00:23:28: But that's the

00:23:29: level of hope somebody would get at.

00:23:30: Okay yeah..it does feel because this book- I haven't seen alot books who feels This is your life, this is your story.

00:23:39: This is you're memoir and there's one life.

00:23:42: it really feels very... It just be getting

00:23:45: in the end.

00:23:48: yeah One last thing if I can think of anything else personally If i was to take something away from book as a writer..I would have say that The most important things for me were that after they read or if he wrote when my son was born and what he went through.

00:24:07: And the things that goes to today, I blamed it on myself for all of the wrongs that i did...and realized its not about them!

00:24:17: There is no such thing as the sins of a father perpetrated upon his kids....it's just..its NOT

00:24:24: true!!

00:24:25: If can stop one person beating themselves up from living in regret then that would be beautiful

00:24:33: too!!!

00:24:35: No.

00:24:35: Wonderful,

00:24:38: Steve I cannot thank you enough for being here sharing your story with us and For writing a book.

00:24:45: i will definitely link Your book in the show notes.

00:24:49: Thank You so much!

00:24:50: Thank you And it's So nice to finally meet you In person and talk face-to-face.

00:24:56: It is wonderful.

00:24:58: Thank you for this opportunity.

00:24:59: Thank you so Much!

00:25:01: Thank You Steve

00:25:04: And Speak To You Soon.

00:25:06: This was lead well.

00:25:08: Now, what is the one thing that you're taking away from

00:25:10: this episode?

00:25:11: Please share in a comments below

00:25:13: and do share

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