Ep 119. Why You Feel Stuck (Even When Life Looks Right)

00:00:00: We all have a message, we all have the story.

00:00:03: We'll all have qualities within us that we need to share with each other because we can't do this world by ourselves!

00:00:12: We need each other and especially women coming together.

00:00:16: supporting each others is best most powerful thing for one another.

00:00:23: an author, coach and creator of the book Shoes That Fit Her Soul.

00:00:41: Hi Shemayne!

00:00:42: Hi Christine thank you for having me

00:00:45: Sure.

00:00:46: so your book is not about fixing oneself.

00:00:51: it's about noticing where your life no longer fits.

00:00:56: And what happens when women stay in roles expectations and identities that look right on but constrain them on the inside?

00:01:06: Absolutely.

00:01:07: That's a great way to explain that.

00:01:10: I've not had anyone define it, and that was perfect.

00:01:15: And i think

00:01:16: you work with very simple but powerful metaphor especially for a lot of women

00:01:23: because shoes

00:01:24: are very dear to a lot.

00:01:27: They just explained before, I'm probably the

00:01:30: one

00:01:31: person where my husband is twenty four years older than me has more shoes that

00:01:36: i do.

00:01:39: That's pretty amazing and you don't see it often!

00:01:45: The fact I have a lot of shoes, but i don't have the types of shoes you might expect.

00:01:55: Like...I don't wear heels and probably should because im not very tall!

00:02:00: But they..i just can't find comfort in them anymore....but I hear what your saying it's unusual for the husband to have more shoes than his wife.

00:02:10: It's not that way here in my house.

00:02:14: Okay,

00:02:16: yeah and for me And that's why your book title For Me is so interesting because I go for comfort when it comes to shoes Because i feel My Shoes As word.

00:02:27: Your Title Is Perfect Because My Shoves Are The One Thing Where They Do Not Fit.

00:02:34: It Hurts Immediately But Really Impacts Everything.

00:02:39: I Cannot Move when I have shoes on that don't fit.

00:02:43: And i remember so many times, When I was still working in corporate we had a symposium In Orlando and of course there...I needed to work my business attire

00:02:58: right?

00:02:59: The

00:03:00: biggest issue for me always is what kind of shoe to wear!

00:03:06: How can I survive an entire

00:03:08: day?!

00:03:10: Business type of

00:03:11: shoes.

00:03:13: That's a struggle we all have, I think.

00:03:15: as women We are taught to dress a certain way and look a certain Way in order to be who they want us to be or look professional.

00:03:28: I remember one time we had a dress code in corporate years ago where women still had to wear pantyhose and i had a manager tell me, We really want you all to wear a panty hose.

00:03:41: And i was a little bit older then getting used or just really getting comfortable with my beliefs who i am because i knew him on personal level as well...i looked at it and said i'll start wearing them when you do Cool.

00:04:00: And he was taking a back, but it was like you don't have to wear pantyhose.

00:04:05: in fact You get to wear pants all the time and you're trying do want us to wear dresses and skirts?

00:04:10: That's all changed.

00:04:11: We've transformed some.

00:04:13: when I retired from corporate that wasn't the case.

00:04:16: But yes It's being comfortable In your own shoes and that translates into being comfortable with who you are.

00:04:25: Yeah, and that's what my book is about.

00:04:27: And that's where the shoes come into play.

00:04:29: but I didn't start out with thinking oh i'm going to write something and create something or About a shoe?

00:04:36: I had a dream That gave me that Vision and that when I started writing and creating because The dream about this you came after I have taken My decades long self-discovery journey I was looking to around midlife, like most women would step back and reflect on the previous forty-fifty years.

00:05:03: And i thought to myself...I don't know who I am!

00:05:16: with my siblings, and I had early responsibilities.

00:05:20: With my

00:05:21: family.".

00:05:22: And so all of life has been really... My story was told by other people that this is what you need to do!

00:05:28: This is where YOU

00:05:29: belong!!

00:05:29: This is what we NEED you to

00:05:31: do!!!

00:05:32: I got into the mid-life stage and realized I'm not living my own life but who am I?

00:05:39: So

00:05:40: it wasn't also that.... There were a lot of expectations then from all the different

00:05:47: parties,

00:05:48: and you just lived according to their expectations?

00:05:53: Exactly.

00:05:54: I remember taking one of my first steps to break free that it was family.

00:06:00: get together...I had five siblings And i'm the oldest!

00:06:04: My mother- I called her..and realized she's getting stressed about going.

00:06:09: And that happened every time.

00:06:12: There was a reason for that and I talk about it in the book, coming from dysfunctional family systems.

00:06:18: but i remember calling my mom said Mom!

00:06:21: Im not going to make this at this time...I just can't do it....and she says oh Shemayn you are the rock of our family.

00:06:30: But mom, I didn't ask to be the rock of this family.

00:06:33: I'm handing that over just someone else now and it was really The first time i spoke up for myself And not even realizing what I was doing Really?

00:06:41: Just knowing That I decided For myself...I Didn't want To go This Time.

00:06:48: So in that self-discovery journey..I Was breaking down all the things that I had learned or was conditioned to believe analyzing them and thinking about.

00:07:01: is this really who I am?

00:07:03: And the journey, it took a decade of me really unraveling and deconstructing and taking myself apart.

00:07:12: In that time i had a lot lost my job I lost my house.

00:07:18: My marriage fell apart.

00:07:20: It was like, all the layers were being peeled off of me...I didn't know it at that time!

00:07:27: And then i had three children and needed to be there for.

00:07:30: But it was breaking me.

00:07:33: Then four years into this part in my journey I just started getting back on my feet.

00:07:39: I got a new job staying with for the rest of my career and I retired from, but everything was looking up again.

00:07:50: And then my first husband was killed in a car

00:07:52: accident."

00:07:53: Oh wow!

00:07:54: He was on... he was actually on a bicycle—he's a cyclist —and he was hit and died instantly which was tragic for me…but more so for my children.

00:08:06: So here we go again.

00:08:07: But i had gotten that job And as I continued that path, I was already starting to write and talk about the journey.

00:08:15: It had been on...and it was several years after this accident.

00:08:22: we were beginning to get back into a new normal in our lives moving forward.

00:08:28: my kids are adults now they're having children but i still wanted to create program or workbook for something.

00:08:37: i could teach other women what realized and what I had discovered on my own journey.

00:08:45: Because when i started my journey, I read books...I did research all that!

00:08:52: And everything told me what was going on in my life and how I got here but nothing was telling me how to go the distance and do the journey ...and do the work.... I didn't have the pieces And that's when I just began writing my story out and trying to figure out whether any Consistencies were there are any things this stood out.

00:09:14: That really helped me develop who I am Mm-hmm, and I couldn't find the right thing to put it into a Little neat package that could promote and could talk to other women about.

00:09:26: I was remarried by this time and we went on a trip To a beautiful place in Utah called Moab and it's full of red rocks, mountains.

00:09:36: And when we took a road trip there It took us about fourteen hours to drive To their plan back but that gave me time to think process really relax from all the stress We had been under When I got back one week later And it gave me the opening.

00:09:59: It opened the door for me to create shoes that fit her soul and The dream basically was just me At my office, and my co-worker asked Me To go For a walk?

00:10:11: I said i would love to Go For A Walk!

00:10:14: This is all in My Dream and I used to keep my Shoes under my desk In real life because we did go for walks.

00:10:21: so I bit down to change my shoes.

00:10:24: I got up and we walked through the office building on the third floor, went down to elevator.

00:10:28: Everything was so vivid!

00:10:30: Got off the elevator, went to front doors of the building for a walk...I looked down & i'm not wearing my shoes.

00:10:38: I just had all my socks & am looking at my feet.

00:10:42: How did you forget your shoes?

00:10:45: You go out for walks every day.

00:10:46: Im literally saying this in my dream..to myself.

00:10:49: So I turned around back in & woke And as I'm lying in bed, I am thinking now what did that mean?

00:10:56: It was so vivid but i forgot my shoes.

00:10:59: How strange!

00:11:00: and when it hadn't got up to get ready for the day...and then go into the bathroom....I'm washing my face looking at a mirror..and felt this warmth come over me.

00:11:16: Oh

00:11:17: wow.

00:11:18: And I was like, what?

00:11:20: and i start crying it literally...it was that vocal..I could hear in my head!

00:11:26: Where did they come

00:11:26: from?!

00:11:27: And when I woke up to my husband , I said.... I'm gonna teach women how find their shoes for the journey but its not a physical journey It's an emotional journey.

00:11:34: Its growing within ourselves.

00:11:36: Then all of a sudden Christine The shoe In My Head was running shoe and broke into pieces and started naming off the steps that I took in my own journey without realizing it.

00:11:50: The soul of this shoe is our foundation, It's a Foundation Of This Shoe.

00:11:56: Our Soul Is Our Foundation.

00:11:58: That Is Where We Begin To Rebuild The Person we Want to Become.

00:12:03: But we have to get connected to that by knowing our beliefs and values, things like that.

00:12:09: The shoe just every piece the heel represented because it's behind... On the back of a shoe represents are past!

00:12:16: That healing work we need do is what help on from our past needs.

00:12:22: go let-go.

00:12:24: The arch represent support system around us because arches supports.

00:12:32: It represented taking one step at a time and just doing intentional work, one step of the time in trusting your intuition.

00:12:41: And then as I moved through it...I was seeing that tongue with my voice knowing i have a voice to begin using by speaking my truth The eyelids of creating goals for myself.

00:12:56: The laces come in and tie everything together, that's our connection.

00:13:00: but it's the deep connection with ourselves but also with others because when we have a good—a deep connection —with who we are It makes much easier to have relationships with others.

00:13:11: And you also.

00:13:12: there's boundaries in there that we talk about... ...and then the last part is our stitching on the shoe which really Is our life story.

00:13:19: That's the journey We've taken.

00:13:21: So when you look at your shoes stitching and design work, that represents who you are.

00:13:28: And so the whole vision came to me out of a dream... ...and thats how I created my workbook!

00:13:34: Then i told them about this story in my book.

00:13:37: I tell their stories on my journey as well.... For me it was just an amazing thing that happened after all what I had been working for.

00:13:49: and then having that dream opened up the door I've been working hard ever since to get it off the ground.

00:13:57: Yeah, also because i hear this desire so that others can take advantage of it as well.

00:14:05: Yes...I feel like if you're a woman who has reached that point in life where you just don't feel yourself or are not happy with Who You Are?

00:14:17: Maybe its time maybe not change directions but make a shift and work through those things for yourself because you may have never done that.

00:14:28: For your self,

00:14:29: what kind of first step look like?

00:14:32: And What did it look Like for You?

00:14:35: Oh That's A great question!

00:14:37: It is going to Look different for everybody...for me I think the First Step was asking myself that question.

00:14:46: The follow up Question Was Do I want to live the next twenty years, The way i've lived for the last twenty years?

00:14:54: And I didn't mean my circumstances.

00:14:57: Oh!

00:14:58: I got get out of house and a new job although it doesn't mean those kinds of changes.

00:15:03: what that question said was do you wanna be same person That I've been for the last twenty years.

00:15:09: Do i want to be that same person?

00:15:11: For, The next twenty years?

00:15:12: and they answer was no.

00:15:13: i wanted something more in my life.

00:15:15: i Wanted purpose and More meaning and My children were my life.

00:15:19: so That's a purpose.

00:15:22: but we have many purposes And some fulfill that Purpose that We Have just for ourselves and i needed To feel like i Was contributing more and having A more meaningful Life for myself.

00:15:33: it included these other things In my life And they, it wouldn't be taking them out.

00:15:41: It would just be I would be adding to their life because I will be a much happier and better person if i could make that connection for myself.

00:15:52: That's also the question how did your environment react?

00:15:57: Your family?

00:15:58: you mentioned your mother complaining when she didn't want to come to the gathering for example.

00:16:04: so How do they react?

00:16:07: They

00:16:08: reacted.

00:16:10: I anticipated it, but i wasn't sure.

00:16:13: when you're in a dysfunctional family system and You try to rock the boat?

00:16:19: I was changing myself, but they saw that as a rejection.

00:16:24: My mother thought it's rejection and she would talk to my sisters and say your shaman is doing this?

00:16:29: And like she's pushing us out of her life and doing all the...and i wasn't!

00:16:33: I was still being involved in protecting myself as well.

00:16:38: so at first It feels Like A Rejection because what I'm rejecting Is The Family System As It Was and I'm trying to reinvent that for my own family.

00:16:49: And so at first it came off, That way too them.

00:16:52: but after It took a while.

00:16:55: But i would learn how To communicate with My mother because she was still Emotionally immature.

00:16:59: She was...that Was part of the dysfunction and she never Overcame that.

00:17:04: So i tried to.

00:17:05: i learned How to Communicate With her on Her level because that was not my job to change her.

00:17:13: And I couldn't, nope you can't change people.

00:17:15: they've got too and i had to discover that myself.

00:17:18: In real quick you did ask the first step in...the first step.

00:17:22: I was talking about the questions but the major first step it took that was so scary!

00:17:28: That kept me from doing anything.

00:17:30: It kept me frozen for a very long time Was that I knew that my marriage was falling apart And I didn't want to stay in it just for the sake of... My mom always said divorce ruined our lives, and it wasn't.

00:17:45: It was the way they handled the divorce!

00:17:48: I was really young but this time i wanted to do- The first step that had been done is talk with my husband about it.

00:17:55: We were already pulling apart.

00:18:00: And so it was one day, I'm sitting at my computer.

00:18:04: My daughter had walked up to me and said she was fifteen at the time.

00:18:09: She said mom if you're so unhappy why don't you leave him?

00:18:13: Oh!

00:18:14: The secret's out like...I was trying to hold all this in..and she could read what was going on in the room.

00:18:21: We weren't fighting.

00:18:22: It wasn't bad we were just silenced.

00:18:24: pretty much just silence a lot.

00:18:30: So when she said that I'm like, I have to do something.

00:18:35: Why should i sit here and Do nothing?

00:18:37: And teach my daughter That when you're upset or unhappy You don't do anything.

00:18:42: that's not teaching her how To stand up for yourself.

00:18:46: And I felt Like I was making this move to help Her in her future decisions if it ever came to that.

00:18:53: so one day My husband Was leaving to go to work in my office again and I just, i don't even think...I remember saying let's do it.

00:19:03: I just got up and he's at the door and I said are you happy in our marriage?

00:19:11: And he kind of looked down and I knew that he felt the same way.

00:19:15: I did-he just didn't know how to talk about it either.

00:19:18: so that was the first major step I took and then going to therapy after So that we could do a amicable breakup and divorce, then we did.

00:19:31: It was very amical.

00:19:33: We were still friends when he passed which is what made it so hard.

00:19:48: What?

00:19:49: Do you want to achieve with your book?

00:19:54: What do you want?

00:19:58: my hope Is that all women know that they're not alone in these these times and when you're making these hard decisions in choices, You are not alone.

00:20:14: And it's never too late to rediscover yourself or reclaim your identity of who...you may not even know Who that is but It's Never Too Late To Discover It!

00:20:26: Then I want them to Know That They Are Bored To Be Seen & Heard For Who they Are Not for what other people expect you to say or be.

00:20:38: You deserve to be seen and That was another.

00:20:41: I'm a huge dreamer Christine.

00:20:44: I love that my mind talks to me in my dreams But it was A shortly after i had developed the workbook, I Had Another Dream And I Was In A hotel Lobby Bathroom Because I was at a conference Or Something?

00:21:03: these things come in front of a bathroom mirror and I don't know what the mirror must represent, a reflection back on myself.

00:21:13: So i'm in there washing my hands and a woman comes in behind me and stands at this sink next to me and is washing her hands and we smile at each other in the mirror...and this is all a dream!

00:21:23: And when we back up to dry our hand she looks at.

00:21:33: And that's when I woke up and thought, oh my gosh.

00:21:38: I am born to be seen!

00:21:40: So are you?

00:21:42: We all have a message.

00:21:43: we all of the story would all have qualities within us That we need to share with each other because can't do this world by ourselves?

00:21:54: We need each other especially women coming together supporting each others best The most powerful thing that we can do for each other.

00:22:04: So, That's my message there is you were born to be seen and heard For who are You?

00:22:12: Oh wonderful!

00:22:15: Now where Are you seeing?

00:22:16: Where Can People Find You?

00:22:20: I am in Austin Texas In the United States And i have a website Shoes That Fit Her Soul And I also am on Instagram and Facebook, other places linked in.

00:22:35: But all with the same name, shoes that fit her soul.

00:22:39: Wonderful!

00:22:40: Roshemayn Olivia

00:22:43: Thank you so much for sharing your story... ...and your wonderful insight.

00:22:49: And thank you for walking

00:22:51: this tiny little

00:22:53: part of The Path With Us.

00:22:56: This was Leadwell.

00:22:58: Now, what

00:22:59: is the one thing that you're taking away from

00:23:01: this episode?

00:23:02: Please share in comments below and do share

00:23:05: with your friends & family.

00:23:07: But only if you like it!